Athena and Medusa.

I often think teaching be received in the way one walks into a room, or the way one holds the door open for someone during "rush hour", the way one speaks to a bank teller, how one sweeps the floor.

Although I have not formally taught for about five years, the thought of teaching by example comes to mind most days. I try to hold that in my mind, and be aware of my actions towards myself and towards others. It's been easier to be more kind and to act with more compassion since getting attuned to reiki 2. I am sending healing back to myself as a child, to collapse the idea of time and space.

Yesterday I was talking to someone who told me, jokingly, that he has become the person he always hated because he's moving into a luxury condo with his wife and kid and their dog next month. I really heard what he said and thought to myself that I never want to say that about myself or even think that about myself. It's interesting how grave sometimes "light" conversation is. Really think about what that phrase can signify.

What he said can also be a lesson, a teaching, a gift. What does it mean to compromise oneself so much to the point of becoming the very thing one hates? Aren't those aspects in one all the time, and to "hate" or to "love" them is all ego-driven anyway? It's sometimes hard to let go.


Also bringing color back into this conversation, I immediately thought of the Crown Chakra, pictured above.

DEFINITION:
Identified by Yoga as the 'Crown' or "Thousand-Petaled Lotus" Chakra, this Aura-center encompasses the Crown of the Head, upper brain-mass and the ductless glands located within the brain. Associated with "Macroprospectus" in Kaballah.. and 'Cosmic Consciousness' in western Mystical traditions.. this Chakra "houses" that portion of the Self which endures unchanged through time. While the Soul (centered in the Third Eye or Brown Chakra just below the Crown) evolves from Life to Life (or Phase to Phase in our development,) the Akashic "Light Body" can be viewed as one's "ETERNAL POTENTIAL" and "LASTING IDENTITY."

This Chakra connects to THE AKASHIC PLANE of 'indestructable light' of Asian Metaphysics. The Self-Identity which lives in this dimension of Light was called 'the Sekhem' by ancient Egyptians (meaning "the Power" and "the Form",) and may best be translated into English as "the God-Self" of Jungian Analysis. For further information on this, see the Spiritual/Metaphysical Level of this Manual.. as well as the God-Self Phase in the Mental/Emotional Level.

MAGENTA

"Magenta is a colour that is very close to the world of the etheric, to the world of the soul, so close that one might call it a reflection of the second-dimensional. The world as the dream-consciousness perceived it was flooded with magenta. It was a reality with no hard outlines, formless, dreamed of. One was only aware of variations of light and darkness, perceived, not through the senses but through another part of one's being--partly through the feelings (the heart) and partly through the will (the limbs). One had an awareness of an all-pervading light and therefore one was filled with hope. One felt carried by creation, one felt wrapped in a cloak of mercy, one new oneself to be in the hands of a Being of Mercy. All existence was one great outpouring of mercy in which one was carried, in which one lived in this diffusion of hope and warmth and light." - d'Herbois

Magenta is the color of new growth. Been seeing and feeling it's aura under blooming trees.
After watching zeitgeist the movie, this color needs to make it's way back into our consciousness. We have created so much despair for ourselves, people (especially those with utmost power) need to recognize it. We can't change another mind through argument or stating our mind to oppose them. We can subtly, through our continued presence perhaps influence. I would love to talk more of teaching, in the how.

Been fertilizing the daily paper- it's actually a nice way to garden- no need to tear up the grass. just lay the newspaper down and throw topsoil with fertilized- once the roots make their way to the grass, they reach the greatest source of nutrients.

Reiki 2

I just got attuned to reiki 2 yesterday.

working

When I start to work again, really work again, the instability of what I "have to do" begins to settle down and make sense. I create my own center.

I am beginning to realize the shift in my work and feel grounded in that shift.

I don't know why neither of us said anything to rebut the familial and familiar racism we recently experienced. It's shocking to me that we both stayed silent.

To think more globally, I know Apartheid didn't just "happen"..it insidiously grew in momentum because people did not speak out against injustice. Not just on a local level, but a world wide level no one said anything. I often think about that when I decline to comment against the subtle remarks I hear at parties, or at family gatherings, or at dinners. I was in high school when Mandela was in jail on Robben Island, worrying more about "being fat" than what was going on outside my own clique.



It's my responsibility to speak up, and in the most recent case I did not. Something very real to learn from. Also, living in North America, the very recent past of our own internal racism. Who needs to go to South Africa, if we can more easily head to Woolworth's?



As I am realizing my potential with my work, I also realize my potential as a workshopper, whatever that word means. My choices to continue with the principles I believe in are only becoming less of an issue, and more evident in what I do and say. Even though I tend to rant and rave here in our conversation, I've made my choice and it's clear to me what structures I want to be surrounded by, and which ones I no longer have use for. But it's conversations like the ones we did not contribute to that also teach me so much.

Creatively, this puts me in conversations with many more people in many other countries, in many other times. This gives me momentum. I feel part of something larger on our tiny little planet.

Are you moving back to New York? That's a big step. Keep making work; it will help guide you. Let's both speak up next time.

Change

We are in a state of flux- although consciously I know things always flow, move, change, I am a bit slow at it these days. I work slower and although this for me feels normal I feel like I am not keeping up with other's pace.

We are transitioning to the East coast, Alenka is off to montessori school, I will have to start some sort of finance, my husband will be transitioning form his job. Change is in the air for us strongly, I am just overwhelmed by the how, what, when? Things are up in the air and I need some grounding or for things to at least start to present themselves.

I'm impatient with just being, or even trying to understand what I currently am. I've been so completely shaken (emotionally, physically) these past few years. I'm not even sure I will come out the same in the end.

I am very drawn to your drawings, they are so refreshing for me- I am completely in love with the drawing of your bending ladies after your statement, I feel that bend so strongly. I also think your work has reached a new level- the drawings in combination with Airing Dirty Laundary and Meaningcleaning- it is all very powerful. (Do you recognize that? See your power?)

On a more current note, in responce to the last few posts

We were back in my home/teenage town last week. I took very few images but found some inspiration in very old work, to be continued.

I'm relating to your dinner conversation and the calling card.

I was briefly visiting my father- in the hour or so we spent together there were a slew of racist, derogatory remarks. I too could only stay silent. I could see the history, remembered past conversations, how my father and his friends would connect, comeroderate over 'jokes'. In later years knowing full well we, his daughters and first generations immigrats could not stand there obscene laughter. I think at this point he has forgotten my annoyed presence and is expressing what he thinks brings him closer to others. How sad. I soon let go of the hatred that usually brewed in me while he threw his casual remarks around, glad Alenka is too young to notice much besides the chocolate offered to her and the playmate she found in him.

I'm glad to hear someone may join this dialogue. I do post at a very slow rate and I think opening it up is needed.

just words

From Martin Luther King, Jr.:
"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."




One of Adrian Piper's Calling Cards (image selected because of an email conversation with another artist/future guest author...more to come later)

Dinner conversation

I was at a dinner recently where many things were said that I did not agree with, and actually took offense to; however, rather than confronting the discomfort, I did nothing to engage nor did I offer any alternative to the prevailing opinions shared. I did not say anything.

Not to speak is to speak
Not to act is to act

I found the subtle racism offensive, the potential male bashing hurtful, the classicm comments made with casual ignorance rather shocking. I felt the diners around me were very aggressive at times about so much. It was like growling dogs ready for a fight. All this over a nice mesclun salad!

I also heard things being voiced that I would have said not so long ago. That's what is most shocking, and most humbling. I am them; they are me. There is no separation. There is no difference

At the moment I don't know why I became complacent and did not speak up when I did not agree with what was being said. I take that back, I do know: it reminded me of annual family get togethers when my aunties or uncles or cousins make derogatory remarks about "foreigners" or other ethnicities than Italian-Americans...I often block them out and remain silent.

That's a choice I don't want to make anymore. It's becoming more clear how I want to live, and how I can respond rather than react. How being in a teaching position all the time takes a lifetime to be proficient at (let alone excellent at)...all the gears must be working all the time.

Push/Pull

I have revisited ideas and images I used years ago, and have begun painting in my cyclic, spiral, not at all linear way. This is tentatively called Push/Pull. Thinking about the proverbial rock and a hard place I often find myself in as a woman and as an artist.


Hands Holding 1, working title. Also thinking about manipulation..personal as well as political. Seeing as it's an election year, and looking around at how violent we are towards each other as human beings, it makes sense to me to pick up where I left off so many years ago.

Elephant painting

The link below is to Komar and Melamid's work with elephants. A friend has an original painting from them. I love it. Click below:
Komar and Melamid's work with elephants and painting

South African Elephants

This article makes me sad.
South Africa has overturned the ban on killing its elephant population. Since 1995 the elephant population in Southern Africa has grown to over 20,000 since the country banned elephant killing. Now it seems that number is too high, and the ban has been reversed.

I'm not sure what's wrong with this world, but it seems like a lot these days. See the link below:

CNN

Marcel

Somehow this makes me think of Duchamp. I want to use that red phone to call him. Maybe he'll call me.

William Kentridge

Donald Judd

http://wirednewyork.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8801

Donald Judd's house in SoHo.
Opening to the public soon

Edith Piaf

meaning cleaning blog

www.meaningcleaning.blogspot.com

Our blog is born

Yay

MeaningCleaning Thursday

Hello again,

Hayley and I are going to be collaborating on another MeaningCleaning performance this Thursday February 21 and would like to have it documented by way of photographs and/or video.

We want to concentrate on cleaning, but know it's important to have visual documentation of the work.

If you are able, and interested in participating, by taking photos or shooting a video as a curious"passerby", please let me know before Thursday.

Location TBD, either 51st street station of the 6 train (underpass to E train), or Fulton Street station of A train in Manhattan.

Thank you,
Angela Rose

Gristede's

Looks like someone needs to go to the Office of Blame and Accountability.





How insulting. I think I just started my boycott of Gristedes

WACK!

On Sunday I woke up and was open to whatever the day was going to bring me. I left the apartment with no plan of activities in my head at all. I walked by the job site, and the tree was still alive, and our cornice had been installed and it looked absolutely amazing. I was happy.

I took the bus to studio and realized the show WACK must have opened at PS1 so I decided to go. I didn't realize it was the opening day, and that I was one of the first 100 people in the museum. How exciting! The show blew me away. I felt like I was at a family reunion, re-visiting aunties, older ancestors, cousins, and mothers. It was very well curated...I hope the curators learned from the Documenta...it felt like they did in terms of gathering artists together, leading the viewer from area to area.

I was interviewed for a Documentary by PS1 about the show. That was interesting. There were hours of video I have to go back to see, many pieces of work I have to re-visit and many others I have to learn about and then re-look at.

It was such an inspiring and totally unexpected day for me! My heart felt so full. The only thing I didn't like was that one could not take photographs of the work. Why the hell not? I thought. I wish I could post some images here. But Tereza if you are here when the show is here, you must go. It's amazing.

Rauchenberg's last day

Saturday started off with my getting a massage from a very dear colleague. It was one of the best treatments I've ever received from her. After that I was going to see the Kentridge show again, but then ran out of time...I had a wake to attend for a friend's father who had unexpectedly died the week before.

I grew up with this family, and it was hard to be at another funeral for another one of them: my friend died a few years ago, and now her father died. The wake or service was thankfully full of life, as there were many many new babies, lots of family and friends from the neighborhood in attendance.

But my mother and I were very very sad.

After the funeral home, I decided to see Rauchenberg's "runts" show in Chelsea. After all, the funeral home was only 10 blocks away, and Alex Mennella was the kind of person to deal with his feelings, but then move on into something artistic, positive, and real. I think he would have gone to see Rauchenberg too. So, with him in mind, I walked up to 25th street. I'm so glad I did.











I was so glad to see new Rauchenberg work! It took me a little while to absorb his energy. But the way he makes his works resonates even now. I'm so glad he's still making his work.

After Rauchenberg I also stopped in to say hi to another gallery, and ended with Shirin Nashat at Gladstone. Her work also blew me away in a much different way. We are so brutal to each other as human beings; her work has such a human quality, very intimate. Also very sad.

On the way home I broke down publicly, unable to contain my emotion. Thankfully the sun had already set, and I was alone on the streets walking back to the apartment. But dealing with death again doesn't get easier, even if it is because of natural causes (finally).

When I got home I started embroidery again on the pillow case, thinking about the last things one thinks about before going to sleep. Channeling Lisa Brice's work in a less violent way. The people we live with came home and we had a nice dinner together. I didn't realize my mascara was all over my face from crying on the way home. They were polite enough not to mention it.

American R*evolution

Friday night saw the opening of American R*evolution at the Junto Gallery in Brooklyn, NY. I was fortunate enough to have been invited to show. I decided to go into more depth with the Airing Dirty Laundry piece, making the slips of paper a bit more refined and working with the implications of the piece in a bit more detail.

And since it's an election year, the choice to use the symbol of a ballot box was an easy one (considering the title of the show as well)

The participatory aspect of Airing Dirty Laundry made its NYC debut. Many people cast their ballots in the ballot box. As far as I could tell, everyone loved the prize aspect of keeping the "Do No Harm" pencils. Some ballots could be read, some could not. I feel it was a success. I overcame my initial stage fright and actually felt at home at the opening. I felt myself again. This is indeed what I should be doing.


Installation view, kindly created by the show's curator, Hayato. He chose the best place for it, and made it very accessible for the viewer to become a participant.







I was actually pleasantly surprised that some of the people I invited did make it out to the opening. To be honest I've not been in practice with this sort of thing, but the feelings quickly came back.









I received a lot of interesting ideas from participants and colleagues. This week can be a follow up week...exciting how art continues art continues art. yay

A New Hope

As it turns out, Keyspan probably didn't kill my street tree, as per two nurseries I consulted.

And the landscaper they hired to repave the sidewalk is going to landscape the tree pit to make up for the cobblestone loss.

But this remains to be seen, as neither Keyspan or the landscaping company was on site today.

And the tree is still alive, stakes in the ground. I hope it makes it.

A letter to KeySpan

Below, a letter to KeySpan, edited (not originally intended for public view).
This is part of what I got to do today, someone else's job!!
I just love doing everyone else's work. It makes me feel productive.

TO: KEYSPAN CLAIMS DEPARTMENT

FROM: ANGELA ILLGEN

RE: 101 SOUTH SECOND STREET, BROOKLYN, NY
STREET TREE DAMAGE BY KEYSPAN TRENCH DIGGING,

DATE: FEBRUARY 14, 2008

To Whom It May Concern:

Today, Keyspan began digging sidewalk trenches on my property and destroyed the street tree, I had recently planted there. The work being done by Keyspan also damaged the tree pit itself, cobblestones, stakes and soil.

The property is a vacant lot and I do not have a Keyspan account.

The street tree’s inspection by the NYC Parks Department was scheduled for next week (w/o February 18, 2008) and now has to be re-scheduled to allow for repurchasing of all materials including a new tree, and replanting the tree.

This letter officially requests reimbursement for all monetary losses related to street tree damaged caused by trench digging by Keyspan.

I have already faxed your office photo documentation of damage to the tree pit, stakes, cobblestones, and tree itself.

I request a reimbursement for the following:
the cost of the tree
cobblestones
organic soil
mulch
stakes
the cost of cutting the tree pit itself
In total, the amount =

Please remit payment to the following address:

Angela Illgen


If your office has any questions or comments regarding the above claim, please do not hesitate to contact me at the number listed above.

Thank you,

Angela Illgen

More tree news

KeySpan's communication about ripping a 30' trench in my sidewalk was not as good as it could be. Basically, I got no warning; I just arrived on site today and found this work being done. I love being responsible for paying taxes for the sidewalk, and KeySpan gets to rip it up whenever it wants! I feel so bad for my little street tree. It's so small, but thankfully dormant, and will maybe live. The folks at the Chelsea Garden Center were very helpful and encouraging. I guess I know what I'm doing tomorrow!


What a lovely trench. I just looove that it borders the interior border of my tree pit, allowing all the organic soil to just blend in with the rest of the toxic dirt of Williamsburg. Lovely.


In addition to documenting my work and confronting 10 years of process, seeing my work through a very different lens, I arrive to say good morning to my street tree today and KeySpan is trenching the sidewalk and basically killing my tree. Observe:


The most courteous of street trenchers, this kindly gentlemen assured me the tree would not be harmed further, that he "would do what he could" to save the tree. Ahh, the chivalry


The street tree, street view, with bulldozer. Doesn't "bulldozer" and "street tree" go really well together?


Another glorious view that greeted me this morning, just one week before Parks Department inspection! Yay!

images

Some images from work I've had around and have finally documented. Series taken from the book "The Status Seekers"...all titles of pieces are titles from that book. Insipid book from the 50's. Great fodder for work.

Who Can Be A Friend?


An Upsetting Era


The Sociology of Sex Appeal


Pecking Order

time, trouble, and worry

How is it that two perfectly creative, inspired women like ourselves contain so much anxiety, worry, fear, and self - doubt within us?

At the moment, my personal storm has passed, and I think it's important to discuss this panic, this fear, this uncertainty. It's troublesome.

I can't give any advise about your situation with your daughter because I'm not a mother...but I do think we choose our parents before we are born, and are ultimately independent of anything and anyone else in the world. It's a lonely existence. We are meant to let go.

But then doesn't that mean that what we let go of will eventually come back to one?

Many things are becoming clear to me. I've filed my work from the past ten years into a nice and neat flat filing cabinet. Am making my studio my own. I think I grew up in the last two weeks. Actually had a dream about running into a younger self and watching me/her walk right on by, clunky purple sandals and short lavender dress and all. I literally walked away from myself in my dream. I don't think one has to read too much into that dream...

And since then I've felt lighter, more responsible. Not exactly happier, but I realize there are no more escapisms for me. The world is plain. I am awake.

Here is a working statement

At various times of my life I have internalized the marginal positions that women have occupied in society as well as in art, and work with these inequities: body image double standards, female roles in society, and depictions of women in western art. I hope to challenge notions of “conventional wisdom” as they relate to gender stereotypes, and at the same time transform personal trauma by making it a more central aspect in my work.

Using a vocabulary of repetition, iconic female imagery, and text, I question the way the viewer relates to these images, to work in a way that subverts the male gaze. My aim is to be outside the hierarchical structure of “either/or” but rather give myself the choice of the more inclusive: “both/and”.

Dream, Work

Moments of Our Birth

Revolution

Linked

Red Turban

I Stand By



Dear Lady, I'm trying to not only listen to the image but more so my feeling and respond from the painting itself paying attention each step of the way. So there is the conscious product of what I want but more importantly there is what is happening as it is happening (I'm trying to pay more attention to this.

I need to learn to sit still and listen at greater depth. (Off to Boston at the end of the week, will be thinking of you New Yorkers.)

Four Panic Attacks, Sleeping 5 hour or less and Terrified of Dying

I'm having a very hard time- too...

Realizing I am incredibly Attached to my daughter, of course that is how I initially wanted to parent, now things are changing and I am lagging desperately behind...

I am terrified of having to leave her- (or her leaving me)

Angela- you know what you want, go and do it- once you get there there is no there however. I am afraid (but I don't want to live in this fear- seeing a therapist this week on the subject.)

I have "finished" my current work- will post images soon. Angela, please send me your address- I have a couple of books for you.

I am processing everyday just like you- haging on to every moment, afraid of it all slipping away- (funny, I have erased myself from a painting the other day)

My love to you, hang in there- I will too

passing clouds

This probably doesn't help either I'm having a very hard time today.

I feel jealous
I feel defeated
I feel like I'm not a real artist
I feel like I still have so much opposition in my heart and in my head
I feel like I've missed my window
I feel like I give up on myself too easily
I never follow through on anything
I don't feel I'm living the life I want
I feel like an amateur
I feel like I don't know what I'm working with, what concepts I'm working on
I feel like I haven't found my thread yet that connects me with my work with my life

dreamwork

Tereza what do you do when you imagine your work to be one way, but then in reality it is a different way?

I WANT TO MAKE MY DREAM WORK NOW.

more later,
A

Breathe, Meditate, Create Space

Don't hyperventilate
Don't be so anxious
Don't overthink everything
Don't be so hard on yourself
Don't withdraw
Don't let the laundry pile up
Don't let the bills get out of hand
Don't let yourself "go"
Don't care so much what other people think
Don't leave the house without mascara
Don't forget to brush your teeth
Don't forget to work out
Don't forget to clean the studio
Don't forget to check everything off your list
Don't forget to call parents
Don't forget to make dinner
Don't let your guard down
Don't forget the breath mints

Chicken Soup

A pause in our couple of weeks of sickness-

A recipe for a mean (yummy mean) chicken soup:

saute onions (1 and 1/2 finely diced)

add water, chicken (preferably including the bone), and salt

let boil

add 3 cloves of mashed garlic (my grandmother's touch is to add some mashed garlic directly into the serving bowl right before serving)

throw in all left over goodies (vegetables- spinach and carrots are our favorite, a starch- last night was tortellini, extra protein- beans and a couple of slices of fresh ginger)

boil and warm on low for as long as you need, want (it gets better the longer it sits)

salt and pepper to taste

lovely as a left-over

thinking of your Someone

Queen farm

Urban sustainability against the local razing machine. Very interesting grass roots potential of Queen farm in Buffalo New York.



Good for them I hope they can make it work.