Tuesday, October 28, 2008

insomnia day 2.
"finish line" is near - Saturday the tenants move in.

And I have our poem on my wall to be translated into beads - you are still very much in my daily mind, and my long term heart..

To clarify what "being picked on" means - I am referring to the overwhelming avalanche of stress and anxiety this building has brought into my life. I knew things would be hard to build it, but now that it is finished, the financial ramifications and the stress of the worldwide economy has made indelible impressions on my day to day life.

I am beginning to feel like a victim of the system - I am beginning to feel like an American statistic of people who borrowed too much (goaded by predatory mortgage brokers) to build homes they can't afford, and now are stuck with the bill.

I feel picked on by lending institutions who were very happy to lend me money under the false pretenses of inflated income (Thanks mortgage broker!) to build my house, but now won't budge to offer me another loan product ma'am because it is what it is ma'am, sorry there is nothing I can do ma'am, I'm very sorry to hear that ma'am; and my mortgage has effectively doubled in monthly payments since August 2008.

I feel picked on by the energy companies that took eight months to supply power to my building, bill me incorrectly, and constantly make mistakes with my accounts - sorry ma'am, I'm just doing my job ma'am. This takes enormous amounts of time out of my day to correct the mistakes of others - AND I"m still billed commercially, not residentially even though I built a residential building.

I feel picked on by the credit card companies who lent me tens of thousands of dollars when I needed to use personal funds to continue the job when the banks failed, and now the same companies are now revoking that extension and penalizing me for having bad credit. I have nine credit cards that have balances on them, and am drowning in debt. Every day I wake up and I owe more money with increasingly bad rates. Why lend and then not take responsibility?

I feel picked on by the city of New York who functions best on the dysfunction of its inhabitants, who has penalized this building for being "green" and small - ish. It's too big to be considered a small building, and too small to qualify for any tax benefit offered to bigger buildings. Thanks Mayor Bloomberg I hope you win the third term!

I feel picked on by myself and my choices.
I never wanted to live in New York forever
I never wanted to have all this responsibility
I never wanted to give up my art practice
I never wanted this to be my life
I never wanted to view things in such segmented ways
I wanted things to work out smoothly and effortlessly - haven't I worked enough with no result?

It's hard for me to accept my successes, especially when they come at such a price.
I learn every day, but have to vent once in a while or else this city will swallow me up.

Monday, October 27, 2008

a new card in the mail!

transferred killer
meditation with Dana

I had insomnia as well last night. For me it is not enough exercise and outdoor time. (Exercise was how I got from not sleeping for two and a half years to almost a regular sleep pattern.)


Thursday, October 23, 2008

I still see these as huge paintings.
So many interesting things to be done with "discards" and "dust" - interesting words to ponder.
Forza my dear!
I'm thinking of projecting them onto the surface of the walls so one (the viewer) can literally be in the space. I agree they need to be large.

I'm just at the beginning of this orchestration.

I am painting from the shavings of each postcard a partner (the dust is mixed with painting medium) and the image is transferred (painted on). Again not sure what I'll do with these. Some beautiful colors are coming out of these mounds of dust.

Tereza I can see your small postcard scratch-outs as massive paintings.
Have you considered that?

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Meaning Cleaning on Art:21 blog


No, I have not received any others yet...

But I have enough to work on while I wait for the moment they come pouring in. I am getting a PO Box to be able to post this project on the web. I will also be leaving cards locally, set them at a table, prepaid, with a pen and mailbox nearby. They'll come.

A response you will be receiving in your mail shortly, "I want my daughter to never get raped. "
Climbing out of financial crisis, thoughts are turning towards art yet again.
Although not completely out of the deep pit that is my responsibility towards this house and my commitment to my partner, I feel like we are moving again rather than remaining stagnant.
Have you received any other postcards yet, my dear?

Sunday, October 19, 2008

"...and stop getting picked on"

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Meeting in a displaced space

Fly instead, little one. (Ali has been flying around with her broom, I immediately thought of that once I removed the shape of boy and gun out of their context.)

I'll be sanding most if not all of the image. I bind the sanded dust with painting medium and paint the image varying the tool the child is using.

Your card came slightly worn along the edges and I am missing a crucial word, "...to be treated as a human being and to stop getting _____ on."

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Dearest Angela

Happy Birthday!

I borrowed the image from an online blog- it came up publicly in google images when I looked up birth. But I did not ask the mothers permission and felt awkward ever since.

I do think it is a stunning photo- the water just seems to be an extension of this moment. (You can find it at http://thissimplelife.net/blog/category/times-we-remember/)

Enjoy your moment to the fullest! Lots of love
Happy birthday to me!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

little bit 2

An image of I knew not what

Now I know

little bit at a time

restructuring Alenka's doll house

Monday morning

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

dis place

Dis - place
Re - place

I may have to displace myself from my new home in order to be able to afford it.
This rare opportunity presented itself within hours of finding out our other lovely apartment is not going to be rented as expected by November 1.
The length of time between life-changing decisions has exponentially decreased in the past week and a half.

We can see this as a way to see the world and live like the gypsies we often admire.
We can also see this as a huge failure.
I vacillate between the two extremes, and am trying to honor the present moment.

But to be honest, I'm scared.

I'm scared to be so in over my head.
With each passing day I feel like I'm getting pulled down by the undertow just a little bit more.
I've never been in debt in my life, and now I'm drowning in it. How did this happen in just 2 years?

We built a gem of a building, and are offering it during the worst economic crisis in US history.
Large, poorly built, "luxury" condos are fully rented and doing fine, but our well-built, ecologically designed unique space not only is empty, but we just reduced the price!!

Our dreams of selling it have been put on hold by the city's slow "acceptance" plan.
I thought we would be living on an easier street.
I am feeling very alone, and very depressed.
My frustrations with this city's systems are at an all-time high.
Nothing seems to work, no one takes responsibility, there isn't any accountability, and everyone has their hand out to get paid.

I don't know how much more up the mountain I can keep pushing this rock!
This calls into question so much.
But yet I still strive to succeed with grace and dignity.
I know I can "handle" this, but it's been test after test after test after test after test.
When will things actually work out for me? For us?

Monday, October 13, 2008

nights are always harder than the day, wait till morning, things will be better then.
my mother calls it a wave, life automatically goes up and down. Just the space is different. A high can last longer and so can a low, but it always swings in the other direction. Keep breathing... change is the only constant
Why is life so hard sometimes?
Is this just another test?
Every muscle of my bones is aching.
Can't sleep

Sunday, October 12, 2008

reworking it

I've had trouble positioning the uploaded images (somehow they have not wanted to align themselves on the left hand side even when I post to the left). but it's been bugging me ever since I uploaded them. Here is the proper order.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Paula Rego Printmaking Video

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

The debate is raging even after it's off TV.
My in-laws just arrived after a mountain of a day.
I'm worried again and starting to panic.
But I know it's like the weather and "this too shall pass".

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Notes from a WACK! weekend, ecpecially from a Conversation between Mary Kelly, Griselda Pollock, myself and hundred others

Continuing the conversation, in space (a first draft of an email to Griselda)

Dear Ms Pollock,

Thank you for taking the time to talk with me after the conversation with Mary Kelly this morning in Vancouver. Out of the whole weekend I Found this dialogue most inspiring for the work that needs to be done today.

Thank you for opening the conversation with our inclusion; taking into account the architecture, space, the acceptance of your perspective/ position and inviting our participation. Very significant, thank you again.

(From my perspective, you two ladies are of course set on a pedestal, rightfully, such extraordinary beings.)

But to continue the conversation: Here is my story: I was born in 1978, in Czech Republic immigrating to the US in late eighties. Community was integral in my upbringing; although I was quite blind to the communist regime. Spiraling forward, and where our path find some common ground, that electrifying space you (we) created

The project: conversation (inclusion of voices, words) – empowering us all (again)
Not out of anger, out of meditation (stillness)
Set of demands (of myself):
Pay (or exchanges)
Voice , being able to speak,
Be heard
Listen (learned through meditation)

What are your demands now? Personally? Can we bend time and space so we can meet again in order to continue the conversation? And open it up to all?

Sincerely with love, Tereza

Meaning Cleaning October 4, 2008

Participating artists in Art In Odd Places: Pedestrian exhibition

Friday, October 3, 2008

Meaning Cleaning tomorrow

Ciao bella,
Wish us luck tomorrow for our next Meaning Cleaning performance- starting at noon EST on 14th street.
Part of Art In Odd Places: Pedestrian exhibition.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

our words

Magnifying the words, I can see how poor my meditation was yesterday- none the less they are very poetic words that resonate.