Tuesday, October 28, 2014

coming back to life

little by little, coming back to life.
peripheral vision widening, black surround sound dissipating slowly.
It feels indulgent to write about this here - I really have nothing to complain about.
But who else do I have to talk to?
How else can I convey what it is that's making me feel so upset and angry all the time?

I actually slept last night
and now, it's only 7:21 pm and my kid put himself to sleep twenty minutes ago.
I have up to 3 full hours to myself before I pass out from exhaustion.
That hasn't been the case for quite some time.
My studio would take that long to heat up - I'm moving all the paints inside, wondering where I'll work during the winter. I don't even know what I'll be working on. I don't even feel like I am an artist right now.

I wrote to T that I feel like I'm in a cage inside my own head - so much in there, but when the words, thoughts, phrases, ideas come out, they often sound so different than what I intend. I find that I can't say what I mean, and what comes out sounds all wrong. I have such trouble seeing the big picture, and feel like when I'm relating to him at least, he can't understand me. I don't know if this is particular to us, or to couples in general who decide to have kids.

I don't even have the strength to forge ahead in studio most days.
I've lost interest in most of what I used to love doing.
I see the days pass and I don't really care that I haven't done anything productive.
It feels ridiculous to waste this time on the planet feeling so sorry for myself!

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