HCG levels are down to 21.
One more(last!) week of pregnancy. Phew!

Not the right medium for this piece. The work reflects and is intertwined with the process. It is within this process that this series needs to exist, right now. (I can see down the line painting the series but this is not what the work is about currently). The work is about surrendering and at the same time finding strength. The medium is the juxtaposition between the strength in/of the body and the complete surrender to its being institutionalized (hospitalized). I need to play a lot and process the past few months.

Tereza,
PAINT
THESE
BIG
x

The work is in the movement through the interaction of air/atmosphere/context- being mobile.

project

· Main Entry: 1mo·bile

Thinking of the toy on top of the hospital bed. Making a mobile, balancing my paper form (body) with other people’s bodies, animals, plants, objects. The work is in the movement through the interaction of air/atmosphere/context- being mobile.

· Pronunciation: \ˈmō-bəl, -ˌbī-əl also -ˌbēl\
· Function: adjective
· Etymology: Middle English mobyll, from Anglo-French moble, from Latin mobilis, from movēre to move
· Date: 15th century

1 : capable of moving or being moved : movable
2 a : changeable in appearance, mood, or purpose b : adaptable, versatile
3 : migratory

· migratory; "a restless mobile society"; "the nomadic habits of the Bedouins"; "believed the profession of a peregrine typist would have a happy ...
· moving or capable of moving readily (especially from place to place); "a mobile missile system"; "the tongue is...the most mobile articulator"
· a river in southwestern Alabama; flows into Mobile Bay
· having transportation available
· capable of changing quickly from one state or condition to another; "a highly mobile face"
· sculpture suspended in midair whose delicately balanced parts can be set in motion by air currents
· fluid: affording change (especially in social status); "Britain is not a truly fluid society"; "upwardly mobile"

Tending to travel and relocate frequently: a restless, mobile society.

mobile
adj. moveable, portable, flowing freely; changing quickly, changeable; of services provided from a vehicle n. decorative structure made with delicate objects that are strung in balance on rods and are sensitive to the breeze or light touch; decorative structure made of plastic toys that is hung over a crib as an amusement for babies;

thinking about the blue of distance

desire and distance

"We treat desire as a problem to be solved, address what desire is for and focus on that something and how to acquire it rather than on the nature and the sensation of desire, though often it is the distance between us and the object of desire that fills the space in between with the blue of longing. I wonder sometimes whether with a slight adjustment of perspective it could be cherished as a sensation on its own terms, since it is inherent to the human condition as blue is to distance? If you can look across the distance without wanting to close it up, if you can own your longing in the same way that you own the beauty of that blue that can never be possessed? For something of this longing will, like the blue of distance, only be relocated, not assuaged, by acquisition and arrival, just as the mountains cease to be blue when you arrive among them and the blue instead tints the next beyond. Somewhere in this is the mystery of why tragedies are more beautiful than comedies and why we take a huge pleasure in the sadness of certain songs and stories. Something is always far away.

The mystic Simone Weil wrote to a friend on another continent, "Let us love this distance, which is thoroughly woven with friendship, since those who do not love each other are not separated." For Weil, love is the atmosphere that fills and colors the distance between herself and her friend. Even when that friend arrives on the doorstep, something remains impossibly remote: when you step forward to embrace them your arms are wrapped around mystery, around the unknowable, around that which cannot be possessed. The far seeps in even to the nearest. After all we hardly know our own depth."

(from Rebecca Solnit's, A Field Guide to Getting Lost)

paperwork

creatures of a hospital cell

This month has been so much about the body within. Representing it outwardly, I both did not have the energy for and the tools at the time. (For example, I was not remembering the camera on the way to the ER.)

Words became the platform, however, recently, I have managed a few videos and stills- it is a growing need and doable now that I feel better. Coming soon...

more moving pictures

Hi Tereza,
Have you been able to think in pictures during this time in your life?
It may help you re-pair - and communicate in new ways with yourself and with others.
Recently, I have heard that the hand is the seismograph for the soul -
x

lunch

Honey/sesame covered cashews
Crackers (2)
½ cup of pear sauce
Pieces of olive bread dipped in hummus
Renew tea
Stick of good chocolate
End right before fullness
Drink more tea
Invite kitten to lap

Floor, tea time, shadow

studio walk

On my walk from Poggio to the studio, these posts were on the road.
They look like survey devices to me, but I can't be sure what they are.
I found that looking through them provided a new perspective on the landscape.

Thanks for the airy space, I linger and breathe there.

Tell me more about the rods, lovely.


More from within my body:
The chemo is working.
Hormone levels are dropping.
The process should continue in this way over the next couple of weeks till the end of pregnancy.

Ridiculous episode from the hospital today:
"Miss, can you come back here? I drew the wrong vile, we have to draw your blood again."
Follow up appointment to get the results of the blood work this afternoon:
"We don't have the results, but the doctor can still see you."
At this point I have to laugh.

extraordinary kitten

Never considering ourselves 'cat' people, we are delighted with this being. Her love this month has been especially significant. She often sits and purrs at my belly. I never knew how great that vibration was. I started meditation classes last night, feeling a lot better, more on that soon...

Labor Day

a body at work- reproductive labor

fantastic text, school work, and our new love

A Letter to the Cells- my second pregnancy

Are you still there?

I'm tired, I want you out. But you are me and I can't escape.

You are dying, so slowly, please hurry up.

Who the fuck is I and who the fuck are you?

Regular life is ridiculous. It is about this isn't it?

This inbetween, this not knowing. But I fight it.

I want the ridiculous, I want the light, Ali's laugh, kitten purring in the lap.

My lap is so sore. I'm tired of being sore. Waiting for a possible burst. But hoping that it would then be over.

I mourn you but I wasn't sure I even wanted you, at least not all the painstaking work that comes with it, the enduring months of carrying you, the pain/border between life and death of delivery, the agonizing cries of a newborn and the responsibility of being its only hope.

I was terrified of you, but I wanted you, I romanticize you.

You are what you are, stuck, just like me. I'm so sorry I was stuck before you and I think I'm the reason for you sticking. I'm so sorry.

How will we survive? Can we transcend this?

I need to talk: Thanks for your lovely message!

It is through the words and kindness of friends that makes this situation bearable.

These words: this record helps me process. The blessing is to have my words reach a reader; my situation gets heard. That is the gift and I think helps me heal.

It is also incredibly humbling to suddenly lose control and flow with whatever comes.

I have now gone to the emergency room four times, had my blood drawn more than I can count, am going through chemotherapy (the medication is basically chemo where it fights any cells the body is currently making, in my case the embryo) but whether the tube bursts, or I have surgery, or the meds work just fine and the cells disintegrate, I am incredibly lucky. I would not be alive without medical technology.

I think this is the lesson.

I know I need to find a meditation teacher. My thoughts affect: I feared an ectopic pregnancy a month before, absolutely strange. I need to learn how to move thought and fears; be with whatever comes.

Please let me know of your transition to NYC, I feel similarly being back in our house as if it is an unfamiliar surrounding.

Affection and radiating affection

Both from Thoughtforms
x

woke up with pain