Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Why do I not feel like an artist anymore?

I haven't felt like an artist for months.
I've heard of writer's block; could it be that I have artist's block?
I don't know - is this what mild depression feels like?

I consulted the I-ching last night, with the question: What is the nature of right now? Why does everything seem so crazy? How is this leading to workshop?

The trigram was:
#20  50. Ting, p. 193 The Cauldron

The second trigram was #2   44. Kou,  p. 170 The Meeting

It was very accurate.

Here are some things I've been working on this week. I feel a lot of pressure to work on things before leaving for workshop. I realize this is self-imposed pressure. I have had mild panic attacks a few times a week for the last few months, and have to seriously talk myself off the proverbial ledge. I don't know what that represents...

And after reading the terrible headlines of Arctic drilling, refugees out at sea that no one wants, and worldwide rampant rape, I'm having trouble finding value in my work or its relevance in relation to all of this. In addition to being very turned off by the art market world - seems like an eternity away from the kind of work I believe in and propose to make...I feel like I'm in the Dark Ages. Maybe I'm in the wrong time, or the wrong location. I don't know why I feel so isolated in my beliefs and interests?

I was working with shifting my perspective slightly, and placing the two slightly different renderings next to each other.
Starting with my son, who never stays still, seemed like a fair place to begin. 
However, how is this idea not just like Roni Horn?

And then there is the following through with the combination of sculpture and painting like I started two years ago. I still don't really know how to continue with that work. I've lost so much connection to myself and my process. I feel lazy. I don't feel like an artist, and my work doesn't really bring me any joy. When I say I'm an artist I feel like I'm lying. The small amount of connections I make, if any, when I'm in studio disappear very quickly when I resume the rest of my life. I know this blog is called art, life no separation, but right now my life feels very separate - very fragmented, with little or no sense of artistic continuity. I feel like a lot of things are separated in my life. I feel separated from my life.

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