Monday, April 20, 2015

Want wall no-wall

What is it that I truly want?

I've been thinking a lot about that this month - so my absence from our conversation was not really an absence, but more of my trying to make sense of what I want, how to prioritize my time, setting an intention, and acknowledging and accepting my hopes and dreams for each present moment. Even with all that, "you don't always get you want, but you get what you need" plays in my mind. Nice to remember...

I am feeling my mortality more and more each day.
The older Alessandro gets, the more I realize that I'm halfway over in this world.
It's an incredible feeling, and also a sharp reminder that I don't want to waste any more time doing things that are inconsequential and petty. So I haven't been. Setting my own ground and working quite diligently but very differently than how I've worked in the past has been pleasantly surprising. Everything is work: planting a tree, sheet mulching the garden, taking care of the plants that made it through the winter, playing with and teaching my kid, understanding the third thing that happens when two images are brought together, relating to Turu more's all part of it.

We have worked on our building project in Brooklyn for the last few weeks; a lot of attention has been paid to that. It feels good to sweep away the cobwebs, repaint the hallways, organize the areas that don't get used very often. I planted 14 bamboo plants on the roof, in custom planters that our friend made for the space. Of course it's to make the roof look better (to buy), but even if we hold on to the building, I've wanted to plant those plants for the last seven years - for myself! Even though I realize how artificial a "green roof" actually is, I did want to create some sort of living area in the middle of a sea of concrete and silver painted rooftops. It does make a difference, I tell myself.

There has been an incredible lightness to how I relate to my partner and child.
What I truly want is balance.
I want my work to make a difference, for my life to make a difference. For my actions to mean something. I'd like not be an anonymous artist forever. Whatever that means.

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