Thursday, March 7, 2013

the big trip up

I tripped myself up
In the last year I have slowly and painfully painted myself into a corner and was ignoring the GOLD that is my life.
My life is messy!
Most of the time, I am not neat
I never feel like I can keep anything together
I am winging it as a parent.
I have no real idea of what I'm doing, what my "goals" are..I'm just trying to provide for my kid and connect with my art.

I hate doing dishes
I don't like making dinner all the time
My house is in a constant state of disarray.

We're always almost running out of money
We're always almost running out of gas.
Cars are always almost breaking down.
The house is leaky, and there's always laundry to be done.
 I don't like eating three square meals a day.
I'm angry so much of the time.
I feel isolated and alone.

Why fight it, and think I have to present another side of myself?
Why admire the polish and ignore the mess?

It's my trap, my pattern from before! Whereas before I would have wallowed in feeling sorry for myself, but now I see it as such an amazing opportunity to change.
I get to change
I get to work differently
I get to acknowledge this constipation and work with it.

Everything is information.
I am going back to the exercises
One breathe gestures
Domestic Objections
Painting a lemon can change one's whole life.
(and painting a lemon is quite difficult at first!)
Everything is information.

Someone suggested I paint loose, sloppy porno images
I wanted to paint as an alter ego - sloppy, messy. 
I'm finding a balance.
This started a long time ago but I am here now.
This is my life.
This is my life.
This is my life.

I'm kind of exhausted of holding myself apart from people
The door just opened, I'm letting everyone in.

1 comment:

Tereza said...

Angela! I love what you are doing. I especially love how you wrote this entry. It is spot on to the present, and there is so much to relate to here. (I wonder if this is the way any application, for a grant, can be written.) I love reading and relating to it. I also have felt quite out of the loop these past few months. You know how it is. But I'm happy to have hopped on the site this morning to find all your work and thoughts! THANK YOU!