Update

This morning the egg sack was finally big enough to see in the ultrasound.
They found it in my left tube, so ectopic pregnancy.
I got my injection of methotrexate.
This stops the pregnancy and should start reversing the process.
If the meds don't take the next step is surgery.
(As sad as I am, I am happy that it is almost over.)

waiting

Waiting A Poem by Faith Wilding
Waiting . . .
waiting . . .
waiting . . .
Waiting for someone to come in
Waiting for someone to hold me
Waiting for someone to feed me
Waiting for someone to change my diaper
Waiting . . .
Waiting to scrawl, to walk, waiting to talk
Waiting to be cuddled
Waiting for someone to take me outside
Waiting for someone to play with me
Waiting for someone to take me outside
Waiting for someone to read to me, dress me, tie my shoes
Waiting for Mommy to brush my hair
Waiting for her to curl my hair
Waiting to wear my frilly dress
Waiting to be a pretty girl
Waiting to grow up
Waiting . . .
Waiting for my breasts to develop
Waiting to wear a bra
Waiting to menstruate
Waiting to read forbidden books
Waiting to stop being clumsy
Waiting to have a good figure
Waiting for my first date
Waiting to have a boyfriend
Waiting to go to a party, to be asked to dance, to dance close
Waiting to be beautiful
Waiting for the secret
Waiting for life to begin
Waiting…
Waiting to be somebody
Waiting to wear makeup
Waiting for my pimples to go away
Waiting to wear lipstick, to wear high heels and stockings
Waiting to get dressed up, to shave my legs
Waiting to be pretty
Waiting . . .
Waiting for him to notice me, to call me
Waiting for him to ask me out
Waiting for him to pay attention to me
Waiting for him to fall in love with me
Waiting for him to kiss me, touch me, touch my breasts
Waiting for him to pass my house
Waiting for him to tell me I’m beautiful
Waiting for him to ask me to go steady
Waiting to neck, to make out, waiting to go all the way
Waiting to smoke, to drink, to stay out late
Waiting to be a woman
Waiting . . .
Waiting for my great love
Waiting for the perfect man
Waiting for Mr. Right Waiting . . .
Waiting to get married
Waiting for my wedding day
Waiting for my wedding night
Waiting for sex
Waiting for him to make the first move
Waiting for him to excite me
Waiting for him to give me pleasure
Waiting for him to give me an orgasm
Waiting . . .
Waiting for him to come home, to fill my time…
Waiting . . .
Waiting for my baby to come
Waiting for my belly to swell
Waiting for my breasts to fill with milk
Waiting to feel my baby move
Waiting for my legs to stop swelling
Waiting for the first contractions
Waiting for the contractions to end
Waiting for the head to emerge
Waiting for the first scream, the afterbirth
Waiting to hold my baby
Waiting for my baby to suck my milk
Waiting for my baby to stop crying
Waiting for my baby to sleep through the night
Waiting for my breasts to dry up
Waiting to get my figure back, for the stretch marks to go away
Waiting for some time to myself
Waiting to be beautiful again
Waiting for my child to go to school
Waiting for life to begin again
Waiting . . .
Waiting for my children to come home from school
Waiting for them to grow up, to leave home
Waiting to be myself
Waiting for excitement
Waiting for him to tell me something interesting, to ask me how I feel…
Waiting for him to stop being crabby, reach for my hand, kiss me good morning
Waiting for fulfillment
Waiting for the children to marry
Waiting for something to happen
Waiting . . .
Waiting to lose weight
Waiting for the first gray hair
Waiting for menopause
Waiting to grow wise
Waiting . . .
Waiting for my body to break down, to get ugly
Waiting for my flesh to sag
Waiting for my breasts to shrivel up
Waiting for a visit from my children, for letters
Waiting for my friends to die
Waiting for my husband to die
Waiting . . .
Waiting to get sick
Waiting for things to get better
Waiting for winter to end
Waiting for the mirror to tell me that I’m old
Waiting for a good bowel movement
Waiting for the pain to go away
Waiting for the struggle to end
Waiting for release
Waiting for morning
Waiting for the end of the day
Waiting for sleep
Waiting…

Day Whatever

Embryo and I are still here:

Changing care providers!

Still in limbo- very early pregnant, not sure what the results will be.

But today we are both healthy and growing.

I'm happy about this and happy to never step inside that particular hospital again!

Day 5

Miscarriage has begun.

Day 4

Dull pain in lower abdomen throughout the night.
Blood.
Get ready to go to the hospital.
Call the OBGYN.
Get in the car.
Call the midwife.
"Most likely you're miscarrying, in which case there is not much the hospital can do."
Postpone the trip to the hospital.
Pain subsides.
Spotting is slight.

Tomorrow, another blood draw.
Pain increases at nighttime.

We're just along for the ride

Roller Coaster

Day 0- August 18th

Planned to celebrate Ali's birthday.
Wake up, after standing my ovaries start hurting.
Over the toilet for the next couple of minutes, feels like labor but that was four years ago.
I feel like I am rising out of my body and I grab my knees to keep grounded.
Cold sweat
I go to the emergency room, take ibuprofen before leaving the house.

Pelvic exam.
Ultra sound.
Inconclusive.
Doctor comes in tells me:
I'm pregnant.
There is a cyst on my right ovary.
We cannot rule out a tubal pregnancy.
I want to sleep.
I know we are not having the birthday party- I call the guests.
I cry in the hospital bed.
I have a dull pain in ovaries for the day.

Day 1
Party is rescheduled.
I take Tylenol, pain is better.
What does this mean?
Another being in our lives-
Can my body handle pregnancy? labor?
Get prenatal vitamins.
Not sure if I want this.
Not sure what I want.
I am reminded of O, surrendering.

I get help with the party.
We celebrate at the lake.
It is lovely.
I am still lost in my head, swimming helps.

Day 2
Every 48 hours I am to get blood work done.
See where the hormone levels are.
Get excited to hold baby forms,
excited for a sibling for Ali
All will be well

Day 3
Slight pain in the ovary
(But it might be imagined)
Saw slight pink after urinating
Pants are tighter,
Smells stronger.
What am I suppose to eat again?
What foods do I avoid?
I haven't even thought about the labor of breastfeeding!
The nurse calls:
How am I doing? Who am I? (I am listed under my maiden name)
What is the new address?
(I used the hospital minimally when I was pregnant with A.)
Where is the blood work?
Do I know the blood type?
The pink staining in the morning could be my body rejecting the baby. It could also be the tubal pregnancy, or miscarriage- or it could be normal but that she did not say.
Panic, are the ovaries hurting more?
OK, will call back when she tracks the blood work.

Pick blueberries but my mind is in a fog.
Check for more spotting in the bathroom.
Nurse calls back:
She has results from the blood draw,
Hormone levels are low, in the 200's
they expect them to double every 48 hours,
either very early in the pregnancy,
or a list of other (negative) causes.
I try to forget, I don't want the thoughts in my head.

It will turn out the way it is meant- neither good nor bad- birth or death-
Gray- in-between.

#14 of Sol Lewitt's Sentences on Conceptual Art

The words of one artist to another may induce an idea chain, if they share the same concept.

(Missing you, my dear.)

Moments at Vermont

work installed in a hardwood floor and in the wall

"waterplay" (bottom left in floor)

" walk" (top right in floor)

"sanding institution" initially on the wall in the gallery,

I later installed outdoors in front of the building under the tree.

It was most appealing at night when it glowed in the grass.

(stills from the "sanding institution" that was displayed on the above monitor- postcard of building was sanded and then the process reversed bringing the building back but in a different manner.)

space between (my) institutionalized thinking, from within

Coming, Home?

our house is a foreign space

polishing, clearing, shifting furniture

trying to create space (ridding clutter)

spent a few hours lying in the dark mapping the movement (getting rid of the toddler bed, putting the bureau into the bedroom, couch back in the living room.)

opened all windows (the air smells fresh after night rain)

space encounters (organized) chaos

it is left in process, a project in every room, each one sparks a new one

Destabilizing

In preparation for final year review- speaking on my work:


My work is about shifting ground, realizing that everything is in motion, unstable, and an unknown.

Within this, it is both liberating in that there are endless possibilities and no 'mistakes',
and in another sense this shifting ground is not a very comfortable space to be in.

Within my current work I am trying to be still and observe the subtle movement that is.

departure

Leaving for workshop today.
Not sure what will feel alien, or normal, or familiar, or strange.
Packed my bags - not sure what else I "need".
I have everything I need already.
x

the personal and the institutionalized

in a home, not of my construction, I am at home (again)

surrounded by beautiful objects that I do not need to own but can none the less enjoy and value

surrounded by people whose histories I do not know but can none the less appreciate

it is my family who at the moment seem alien



Lectures thus far: (will post images and more about the school upon reflection next week)

Leslie Hewitt- on her work
Marie Shurkus- on relational aesthetics, reenactment, and labor
and David Deitcher- on Tim Rollins and the K.O.S