In no particular order, some people I miss:
roxanna mennella
fiona pechukas
maribel garcia
aunt emily
grandma phyllis
uncle herb
claire caine
carroll johnson
will sudo
kevin
agnes martin
sholmeit shaki
elsi and chelsea
dennis cook
aunt marie
mr. bing
grandpa joe
uncle john
uncle richard
melanie pelacios
Monday, April 30, 2007
Playing possum
Why is it that when I have way too much to do, I have the tendancy to choose to withdraw into myself? Here are some of the reasons I didn't call people back, and barely left the house this weekend:
-Apartment open house this coming weekend (cinco de mayo)...
For the apartment to be ready I had to repaint and detail all door trim and window trim, buy and install new door hardware and faceplates, repaint all doors, repaint kitchen, pack and store all item deemed "un-desirable" by the realtor: extra books, chatckas, things in closets, extra luggage.
It's interesting that one has to devole one's living space in order to make it "desirable" and "sellable"...I've been fixing the medicine cabinet in the bathroom to have only the "right" cosmetics; my bamboo floor mats in the bathroom are being replaced by cheery white fluffy mats; a new shower curtain liner (xtra long please) is needed to make the bathroom seem cleaner; all pock marks out of the kitchen walls please and can you paint over the mirror trim in the hallway? get rid of the christmas lights around the windows and why can't you have window treatments that are more "neutral"? Change the bathroom light bulbs, make sure there are fluffy pillows in the extra bedroom don't have any clutter or anything dark because that's not what people want to see when they buy something and don't you know your kitchen isn't neutral enough...the european sized refrigerator is not neutral your stove is not neutral your glass shelves are not cabinets and they aren't neutral there are still dings in the walls you can try to cover up if you want a better price please dust and make the plants look healthy by saturday
-Open studios in two weeks. Need to upload my images on the studios' website, make postcards, make business cards, change my own website, send the morse code necklace images to potential buyer, make more art work stretch some more big canvases cast another form for the double portraits and clean up.
-In-laws also in two weeks. Make sure food in fridge is in-law ready; go food shopping, make sure bedding is clean and ready make sure apartment has extra set of keys buy two metrocards are there any good art shows that week? buy another TONY for them, be in good mood be on best behavior see if my parents are free to meet for dinner one night don't lose mind. At least we can talk about motorsports and art...I love the new Alfa:
-Building project: roof on tomorrow? How much is next draw? When will next draw have to be ready? Does this contractor have all his numbers right? Is our insurance up to date? Have I paid all the bills for overdraft, credit cards, builder's risk insurance, mortgage, maintenence, phone bills cell phone bills cable bill, did i send MA the money for hawaii? Will I have enough money to cover the loan? Is our neighbors' wall secure? When will the foundation guy do the backyard tub?
-Massage: did I cover all appointments for Thursday so I can go to MK's opening? Check to see if paperwork is in order at work; make sure cancellation for Wednesday went through MA; make appointments for AS and JG this week and make sure to schedule time for one massage yourself on Saturday maybe but I'm not sure because I may have to be in studio making work for open studios when my apartment is being shown for the open house.
-MK opening Thursday night in Chelsea. Make sure to inform parents and second parent and friends. Look presentable try to lose weight go for a run or jog or at least do some sit ups and see if any of your clothes still fit you since you gained all this weight; buy different eyebrow pencil color because once again you messed up your eyebrows by trimming them first before tweezing them. Good thing you're going to see people in two days that you haven't seen in six months!! Great job winner.
-Make sure apartment is theft proof for Saturday: all valuables, passports, important docs are in safety deposit box by Thursday before opening. On the way. Have fridge look presentable. Clean all surfaces inside and out.
-See what is causing stomach upset, bloating, fatigue and exhaustion
-Sleep more, eat better, make more artwork, sell apartment, move, move studios, go to european shows, go to london? go to hawaii get out of debt pay off lot loan sell condo pay off huge mortgage loan make art work full time. sleep more
Friday, April 27, 2007
Yesterday's inspirations
from the perspective of a tulip
up the birch tree 
down this year's christmas tree
new growth, magenta pinecones
new growth in motion Thursday, April 26, 2007
onto today
Oh yeah in addition to working in a whole new way, being more and more inspired by life around me and collaborating with friends almost on a daily basis, I am building a builidng in Brooklyn! Older picture below; on my way to the site now on our trusty motorcycle. More photos later on today! After buying resin for the double portrait idea.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Making Sense, Collaborating, A reel/real, Reality
I have been painitng with an ease- I think about it like cleaning and from there I know I can do it. It does not carry the loaded history with it- I'm just scrubbing and polishing.
There has been so much inspiration for me on this site I am not sure where to begin.
There is so much strength here! And so much sorrow! It is real.
Please paint AEIOU- you are right it is wanting attention and is very strong.
Healing Wounds- the sketch I posted far left- from SA was needing a voice and I am so happy to be fullfilling that. Open Wounds (in the middle and detail on the right) is a 4x6foot canvas that will continue onto the walls of the gallery- For the second time I know am meant to be painitng this image. I want to share my statement with it as well:
Going far outside myself to a point half way around the world, I left a part of me far behind, opening a space.
In this cleared space I was able to listen to the other’s stories. The honesty of their words, their struggle, and their overcoming moved me to address mine.
Through meeting the people of South Africa, the landscape, my personal guard had broken-down. This guard was put up the night my father abused my mother, a crime I witnessed and carried from the age of nine. The courage to face this event was directly related to South African people’s confrontation of their past- a process I see rarely done in other states.
I am indebted to the people and land of South Africa for shifting my perspective and in turn changing my life. Open Wounds talks about seeing the trauma of ones life clearly, and processing it. Amazingly, it then moves on.
In this cleared space I was able to listen to the other’s stories. The honesty of their words, their struggle, and their overcoming moved me to address mine.
Through meeting the people of South Africa, the landscape, my personal guard had broken-down. This guard was put up the night my father abused my mother, a crime I witnessed and carried from the age of nine. The courage to face this event was directly related to South African people’s confrontation of their past- a process I see rarely done in other states.
I am indebted to the people and land of South Africa for shifting my perspective and in turn changing my life. Open Wounds talks about seeing the trauma of ones life clearly, and processing it. Amazingly, it then moves on.
Thanks Angela , continue the fabulous work!
Collabs this week
To get out of my head a little, I thought I'd post some pictures of a scultpure collab with some friends on Saturday
when is underpainting enough?
I've been thinking about painting this morning...interested in the the dynamics of continuing a painting or changing course in a more appropriate way, more universal and inclusive. My interest in feminism and using my own story as the basis of my work seems to have had a muddy history when it comes to painting and mark making on canvas...all my weirdness has tended to come out when I think about painting too much...even when I paint I have tended to get very weird about it. Hopefully this post can help alleviate the shame of the past, create new space for a more positive present and future.
So, my question about underpainting and changing direction:
The muzzle-megaphone cow paintings have run their course for now. My excitement about 6' painting has subsided...altered its form. But yet I still have five canvases somewhat finished, somewhat executed, somewhat intruiged. I sketched many times what had become a very interesting potential, but now I would like to continue to expand on an idea I developed a couple of years ago on the same canvases. My studio is quite small and so is my budget, so a natural inclination is to cover up what I have been working on to pursue an idea I think has more to do with what I'm working with than the cows.
I ask myself, in the process of continuing to be weird: when can I paint over them with what I really interests me? Isn't it all the same thing? When is the spiral of picking up and letting go applicable to painting? I guess: always..one just has to be cautious of not separating media and intention.
The volvelle, the AEIOU (the agressive girl, the easy girl the indulgent girl, the obsessive girl, and the unattractive girl) calls to me and wants to be painted, sketched out larger than 1" x 2". I can see the series, like the overlapping portraits and the 10' pole. It all makes sense writing it out like this...to myself, to you Tereza. More this week
So, my question about underpainting and changing direction:
The muzzle-megaphone cow paintings have run their course for now. My excitement about 6' painting has subsided...altered its form. But yet I still have five canvases somewhat finished, somewhat executed, somewhat intruiged. I sketched many times what had become a very interesting potential, but now I would like to continue to expand on an idea I developed a couple of years ago on the same canvases. My studio is quite small and so is my budget, so a natural inclination is to cover up what I have been working on to pursue an idea I think has more to do with what I'm working with than the cows.
I ask myself, in the process of continuing to be weird: when can I paint over them with what I really interests me? Isn't it all the same thing? When is the spiral of picking up and letting go applicable to painting? I guess: always..one just has to be cautious of not separating media and intention.
The volvelle, the AEIOU (the agressive girl, the easy girl the indulgent girl, the obsessive girl, and the unattractive girl) calls to me and wants to be painted, sketched out larger than 1" x 2". I can see the series, like the overlapping portraits and the 10' pole. It all makes sense writing it out like this...to myself, to you Tereza. More this week
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
VA University shooting, from AP
Gunman kills 32 in Virginia Tech rampage
By SUE LINDSEY Associated Press Writer
© 2007 The Associated Press
BLACKSBURG, Va. — A gunman massacred 32 people at Virginia Tech in the deadliest shooting rampage in modern U.S. history Monday, cutting down his victims in two attacks two hours apart before the university could grasp what was happening and warn students. The bloodbath ended with the gunman committing suicide, bringing the death toll to 33 and stamping the campus in the picturesque Blue Ridge Mountains with unspeakable tragedy, perhaps forever.
Investigators gave no motive for the attack. The gunman's name was not immediately released, and it was not known whether he was a student.
"Today the university was struck with a tragedy that we consider of monumental proportions," Virginia Tech President Charles Steger said. "The university is shocked and indeed horrified."
But he was also faced with difficult questions about the university's handling of the emergency and whether it did enough to warn students and protect them after the first burst of gunfire. Some students bitterly complained they got no warning from the university until an e-mail that arrived more than two hours after the first shots rang out.
Wielding two handguns and carrying multiple clips of ammunition, the killer opened fire about 7:15 a.m. on the fourth floor of West Ambler Johnston, a high-rise coed dormitory, then stormed Norris Hall, a classroom building a half-mile away on the other side of the 2,600-acre campus. Some of the doors at Norris Hall were found chained from the inside, apparently by the gunman.
Two people died in a dorm room, and 31 others were killed in Norris Hall, including the gunman, who put a bullet in his head. At least 15 people were hurt, some seriously. Students jumped from windows in panic.
Alec Calhoun, a 20-year-old junior, said he was in a 9:05 a.m. mechanics class when he and classmates heard a thunderous sound from the classroom next door — "what sounded like an enormous hammer."
Screams followed an instant later, and the banging continued. When students realized the sounds were gunshots, Calhoun said, he started flipping over desks for hiding places. Others dashed to the windows of the second-floor classroom, kicking out the screens and jumping from the ledge of Room 204, he said.
"I must've been the eighth or ninth person who jumped, and I think I was the last," said Calhoun, of Waynesboro, Va. He landed in a bush and ran.
Calhoun said that the two students behind him were shot, but that he believed they survived. Just before he climbed out the window, Calhoun said, he turned to look at the professor, who had stayed behind, perhaps to block the door.
The instructor was killed, he said.
At an evening news conference, Police Chief Wendell Flinchum refused to dismiss the possibility that a co-conspirator or second shooter was involved. He said police had interviewed a male who was a "person of interest" in the dorm shooting who knew one of the victims, but he declined to give details.
"I'm not saying there's a gunman on the loose," Flinchum said. Ballistics tests will help explain what happened, he said.
Sheree Mixell, a spokeswoman for the federal Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives, said the evidence was being moved to the agency's national lab in Annandale. At least one firearm was turned over, she said.
Mixell would not comment on what types of weapons were used or whether the gunman was a student.
Young people and faculty members carried out some of the wounded themselves, without waiting for ambulances to arrive. Many found themselves trapped behind chained and padlocked doors. SWAT team members with helmets, flak jackets and assault rifles swarmed over the campus. A student used his cell-phone camera to record the sound of bullets echoing through a stone building.
Trey Perkins, who was sitting in a German class in Norris Hall, told The Washington Post that the gunman barged into the room at about 9:50 a.m. and opened fire for about a minute and a half, squeezing off about 30 shots.
The gunman first shot the professor in the head and then fired on the students, Perkins said. The gunman was about 19 years old and had a "very serious but very calm look on his face," he said.
"Everyone hit the floor at that moment," said Perkins, 20, of Yorktown, Va., a sophomore studying mechanical engineering. "And the shots seemed like it lasted forever."
Erin Sheehan, who was also in the German class, told the student newspaper, the Collegiate Times, that she was one of only four of about two dozen people in the class to walk out of the room. The rest were dead or wounded, she said.
She said the gunman "was just a normal-looking kid, Asian, but he had on a Boy Scout-type outfit. He wore a tan button-up vest, and this black vest, maybe it was for ammo or something."
Students said that there were no public-address announcements after the first shots. Many said they learned of the first shooting in an e-mail that arrived shortly before the gunman struck again.
"I think the university has blood on their hands because of their lack of action after the first incident," said Billy Bason, 18, who lives on the seventh floor of the dorm.
Steger defended the university's conduct, saying authorities believed that the shooting at the dorm was a domestic dispute and mistakenly thought the gunman had fled the campus.
"We had no reason to suspect any other incident was going to occur," he said.
Steger emphasized that the university closed off the dorm after the first attack and decided to rely on e-mail and other electronic means to spread the word, but said that with 11,000 people driving onto campus first thing in the morning, it was difficult to get the word out.
He said that before the e-mail went out, the university began telephoning resident advisers in the dorms and sent people to knock on doors. Students were warned to stay inside and away from the windows.
"We can only make decisions based on the information you had at the time. You don't have hours to reflect on it," Steger said.
Some students and Laura Wedin, a student programs manager at Virginia Tech, said their first notification came in an e-mail at 9:26 a.m., more than two hours after the first shooting.
The e-mail had few details. It read: "A shooting incident occurred at West Amber Johnston earlier this morning. Police are on the scene and are investigating." The message warned students to be cautious and contact police about anything suspicious.
Edmund Henneke, associate dean of engineering, said that he was in the classroom building and that he and colleagues had just read the e-mail advisory and were discussing it when he heard gunfire. He said that moments later SWAT team members rushed them downstairs, but that the doors were chained and padlocked from the inside. They left the building through an unlocked construction area.
Until Monday, the deadliest shooting in modern U.S. history was in Killeen, Texas, in 1991, when George Hennard plowed his pickup truck into a Luby's Cafeteria and shot 23 people to death, then himself.
The massacre Monday took place almost eight years to the day after the Columbine High bloodbath near Littleton, Colo. On April 20, 1999, two teenagers killed 12 fellow students and a teacher before taking their own lives.
Previously, the deadliest campus shooting in U.S. history was a rampage in 1966 at the University of Texas at Austin, where Charles Whitman climbed the clock tower and opened fire. He killed 16 people before police shot him to death.
Founded in 1872, Virginia Tech is about 160 miles west of Richmond. With more than 25,000 full-time students, it has the state's largest full-time student population. It is best known for its engineering school and its powerhouse Hokies football team.
The campus is centered on the Drill Field, a grassy field where military cadets practice. The dorm and the classroom building are on opposites sides of the Drill Field.
President Bush offered his prayers to the victims and the people of Virginia, saying the tragedy would be felt in every community in the country.
After the shootings, all campus entrances were closed, and classes were canceled through Tuesday. The university set up a spot for families to reunite with their children. It also made counselors available and planned an assembly Tuesday.
Police said there had been bomb threats on campus over the past two weeks but said they had not determined a link to the shootings.
It was second time in less than a year that the campus was closed because of a shooting.
In August, the opening day of classes was canceled when an escaped jail inmate allegedly killed a hospital guard off campus and fled to the Tech area. A sheriff's deputy was killed just off campus. The accused gunman, William Morva, faces capital murder charges.
Among Monday's dead was Ryan Clark, a student from Martinez, Ga., with several majors who carried a 4.0 grade-point average, said Vernon Collins, coroner in Columbia County, Ga.
At a hastily arranged service Monday night at Blacksburg Presbyterian Church, the Rev. Susan Verbrugge gazed out at about 150 bowed heads.
"Death has come trundling into our life, a sudden and savage entity laying waste to our hearts and making desolate our minds," Verbrugge said during a prayer. "We need now the consolation only you can give."
After the service, Clark's friend Gregory Walton, a 25-year-old who graduated last year, said he feared his nightmare had just begun.
"I knew when the number was so large that I would know at least one person on that list," said Walton, a banquet manager. "I don't want to look at that list. I don't want to.
"It's just, it's going to be horrible, and it's going to get worse before it gets better."
By SUE LINDSEY Associated Press Writer
© 2007 The Associated Press
BLACKSBURG, Va. — A gunman massacred 32 people at Virginia Tech in the deadliest shooting rampage in modern U.S. history Monday, cutting down his victims in two attacks two hours apart before the university could grasp what was happening and warn students. The bloodbath ended with the gunman committing suicide, bringing the death toll to 33 and stamping the campus in the picturesque Blue Ridge Mountains with unspeakable tragedy, perhaps forever.
Investigators gave no motive for the attack. The gunman's name was not immediately released, and it was not known whether he was a student.
"Today the university was struck with a tragedy that we consider of monumental proportions," Virginia Tech President Charles Steger said. "The university is shocked and indeed horrified."
But he was also faced with difficult questions about the university's handling of the emergency and whether it did enough to warn students and protect them after the first burst of gunfire. Some students bitterly complained they got no warning from the university until an e-mail that arrived more than two hours after the first shots rang out.
Wielding two handguns and carrying multiple clips of ammunition, the killer opened fire about 7:15 a.m. on the fourth floor of West Ambler Johnston, a high-rise coed dormitory, then stormed Norris Hall, a classroom building a half-mile away on the other side of the 2,600-acre campus. Some of the doors at Norris Hall were found chained from the inside, apparently by the gunman.
Two people died in a dorm room, and 31 others were killed in Norris Hall, including the gunman, who put a bullet in his head. At least 15 people were hurt, some seriously. Students jumped from windows in panic.
Alec Calhoun, a 20-year-old junior, said he was in a 9:05 a.m. mechanics class when he and classmates heard a thunderous sound from the classroom next door — "what sounded like an enormous hammer."
Screams followed an instant later, and the banging continued. When students realized the sounds were gunshots, Calhoun said, he started flipping over desks for hiding places. Others dashed to the windows of the second-floor classroom, kicking out the screens and jumping from the ledge of Room 204, he said.
"I must've been the eighth or ninth person who jumped, and I think I was the last," said Calhoun, of Waynesboro, Va. He landed in a bush and ran.
Calhoun said that the two students behind him were shot, but that he believed they survived. Just before he climbed out the window, Calhoun said, he turned to look at the professor, who had stayed behind, perhaps to block the door.
The instructor was killed, he said.
At an evening news conference, Police Chief Wendell Flinchum refused to dismiss the possibility that a co-conspirator or second shooter was involved. He said police had interviewed a male who was a "person of interest" in the dorm shooting who knew one of the victims, but he declined to give details.
"I'm not saying there's a gunman on the loose," Flinchum said. Ballistics tests will help explain what happened, he said.
Sheree Mixell, a spokeswoman for the federal Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives, said the evidence was being moved to the agency's national lab in Annandale. At least one firearm was turned over, she said.
Mixell would not comment on what types of weapons were used or whether the gunman was a student.
Young people and faculty members carried out some of the wounded themselves, without waiting for ambulances to arrive. Many found themselves trapped behind chained and padlocked doors. SWAT team members with helmets, flak jackets and assault rifles swarmed over the campus. A student used his cell-phone camera to record the sound of bullets echoing through a stone building.
Trey Perkins, who was sitting in a German class in Norris Hall, told The Washington Post that the gunman barged into the room at about 9:50 a.m. and opened fire for about a minute and a half, squeezing off about 30 shots.
The gunman first shot the professor in the head and then fired on the students, Perkins said. The gunman was about 19 years old and had a "very serious but very calm look on his face," he said.
"Everyone hit the floor at that moment," said Perkins, 20, of Yorktown, Va., a sophomore studying mechanical engineering. "And the shots seemed like it lasted forever."
Erin Sheehan, who was also in the German class, told the student newspaper, the Collegiate Times, that she was one of only four of about two dozen people in the class to walk out of the room. The rest were dead or wounded, she said.
She said the gunman "was just a normal-looking kid, Asian, but he had on a Boy Scout-type outfit. He wore a tan button-up vest, and this black vest, maybe it was for ammo or something."
Students said that there were no public-address announcements after the first shots. Many said they learned of the first shooting in an e-mail that arrived shortly before the gunman struck again.
"I think the university has blood on their hands because of their lack of action after the first incident," said Billy Bason, 18, who lives on the seventh floor of the dorm.
Steger defended the university's conduct, saying authorities believed that the shooting at the dorm was a domestic dispute and mistakenly thought the gunman had fled the campus.
"We had no reason to suspect any other incident was going to occur," he said.
Steger emphasized that the university closed off the dorm after the first attack and decided to rely on e-mail and other electronic means to spread the word, but said that with 11,000 people driving onto campus first thing in the morning, it was difficult to get the word out.
He said that before the e-mail went out, the university began telephoning resident advisers in the dorms and sent people to knock on doors. Students were warned to stay inside and away from the windows.
"We can only make decisions based on the information you had at the time. You don't have hours to reflect on it," Steger said.
Some students and Laura Wedin, a student programs manager at Virginia Tech, said their first notification came in an e-mail at 9:26 a.m., more than two hours after the first shooting.
The e-mail had few details. It read: "A shooting incident occurred at West Amber Johnston earlier this morning. Police are on the scene and are investigating." The message warned students to be cautious and contact police about anything suspicious.
Edmund Henneke, associate dean of engineering, said that he was in the classroom building and that he and colleagues had just read the e-mail advisory and were discussing it when he heard gunfire. He said that moments later SWAT team members rushed them downstairs, but that the doors were chained and padlocked from the inside. They left the building through an unlocked construction area.
Until Monday, the deadliest shooting in modern U.S. history was in Killeen, Texas, in 1991, when George Hennard plowed his pickup truck into a Luby's Cafeteria and shot 23 people to death, then himself.
The massacre Monday took place almost eight years to the day after the Columbine High bloodbath near Littleton, Colo. On April 20, 1999, two teenagers killed 12 fellow students and a teacher before taking their own lives.
Previously, the deadliest campus shooting in U.S. history was a rampage in 1966 at the University of Texas at Austin, where Charles Whitman climbed the clock tower and opened fire. He killed 16 people before police shot him to death.
Founded in 1872, Virginia Tech is about 160 miles west of Richmond. With more than 25,000 full-time students, it has the state's largest full-time student population. It is best known for its engineering school and its powerhouse Hokies football team.
The campus is centered on the Drill Field, a grassy field where military cadets practice. The dorm and the classroom building are on opposites sides of the Drill Field.
President Bush offered his prayers to the victims and the people of Virginia, saying the tragedy would be felt in every community in the country.
After the shootings, all campus entrances were closed, and classes were canceled through Tuesday. The university set up a spot for families to reunite with their children. It also made counselors available and planned an assembly Tuesday.
Police said there had been bomb threats on campus over the past two weeks but said they had not determined a link to the shootings.
It was second time in less than a year that the campus was closed because of a shooting.
In August, the opening day of classes was canceled when an escaped jail inmate allegedly killed a hospital guard off campus and fled to the Tech area. A sheriff's deputy was killed just off campus. The accused gunman, William Morva, faces capital murder charges.
Among Monday's dead was Ryan Clark, a student from Martinez, Ga., with several majors who carried a 4.0 grade-point average, said Vernon Collins, coroner in Columbia County, Ga.
At a hastily arranged service Monday night at Blacksburg Presbyterian Church, the Rev. Susan Verbrugge gazed out at about 150 bowed heads.
"Death has come trundling into our life, a sudden and savage entity laying waste to our hearts and making desolate our minds," Verbrugge said during a prayer. "We need now the consolation only you can give."
After the service, Clark's friend Gregory Walton, a 25-year-old who graduated last year, said he feared his nightmare had just begun.
"I knew when the number was so large that I would know at least one person on that list," said Walton, a banquet manager. "I don't want to look at that list. I don't want to.
"It's just, it's going to be horrible, and it's going to get worse before it gets better."
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Overlapping memory/two sides of the coin
I am increasingly interested in the overlap of perpetrator and victim...how a traumatic event (initiated by one onto another) links the lives of both parties forever.
Nelson Mandela and Verwoerd, the grand architect of Apartheid, Joel and Lisa Steinberg, Nixalise and Nixmary Brown, Jennifer Levin and Robert Chambers, John Lennon and his murderer, etc.
What happens when the gazes of both parties overlap at the viewer? Who is seen? Who is being judged? What possibility is there of a new understanding of the event? I ask this because of my own fading memories of being attacked and the indelible marks that remain with my psyche. Working in a communicative way helps erase the shameful associations, but the actual faces of my assailants has faded over time.
What do those 12-year old boys look like now? Do they even remember the event?
What about my 18-year old? Does he remember what he did to me?
The preservation of an image is interesting as it relates to memory. Reading other blogs (that I don't know how to link to yet) inspired me to ask this question. What is it that remains of the image? Is it really the resonance of the molecules of the artist? How can that translate to working with trauma? Are the molecules of the perpetrator forever linked with those of the victim?
Both sides of the equation are interesting to me now...now that I've started to take responsibility for my own past and the choices I've made because of it. More images to come from these ideas soon...
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Reality check
from Tania Kattan, with her permission:
http://www.collectivegesture.org/look/?page_id=20
http://www.collectivegesture.org/look/?page_id=20
Sunday, April 8, 2007
Inspiration
Tereza it's so interesting how your double self portrait immediately reminded me of Anitra's double portrait of her mother...and then to see that piece on her website way so great!
It seems the ebb and flow has come your way too. Last week was full up the brim with e v e r y t h i n g; but this week the tide of moderation has seem to come in.
I'm painting my apartment to get it ready for the "market", not seeing any separation between what "work" is. Talking to other workshoppers really really helps. I'm still really inspired by Lorna Simpson's work; it is so great how one can see one's work in a deeper form in someone else's work!
What's the workshopper motto: steal, steal, steal...I love it!
It seems the ebb and flow has come your way too. Last week was full up the brim with e v e r y t h i n g; but this week the tide of moderation has seem to come in.
I'm painting my apartment to get it ready for the "market", not seeing any separation between what "work" is. Talking to other workshoppers really really helps. I'm still really inspired by Lorna Simpson's work; it is so great how one can see one's work in a deeper form in someone else's work!
What's the workshopper motto: steal, steal, steal...I love it!
art lifting
coexistingSaturday, April 7, 2007
At the Whitney
Went to the Whitney to see the Lorna Simpson show...it blew me away. I'm so inspired! Very clear, simple messages...very profound and beautiful and well done. Going back this week for sure.
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
Monday, March 26, 2007
Coexistance
After an intense week with seven people in the house, I have been thinking a lot about coexisting- what it means; (exits at the same time or in the same space; exist in harmony).
The harmony was not included in last week's experience but we survived. I need to create a space where all my family can coexist.
I am happy to see how the day's with Ali are rhythmic with both mine and her needs met. I appreciate this. Children make coexistence seem effortless. I wonder if we all did what we truly wanted/needed, if a lot of the chaos in the world would be relieved.
Would love to see more from your studio, Angela- I'll send you some work in progress too.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Openings, Closings within myself
Congratulations!
What an amazing process owning- constructing a building!
In working with others- I feel myself opening and closing- my sister's family is here staying with us. In theory I very much like the idea that a village raises a child. It makes sense for the job is too large for just one.
At the same time being in my family 'village' is really hard for me. I get so frustrated by the end of the day! The silly thing is that I thought that I was done with this kind of struggle- that I could function well after workshops, meditation, therapy. It seems that I land myself right back in my own frustration- why?? Why is the thought pattern still the same?
It seems with others- besides family members, I have changed. I can process frustration differently. How do I brake the repetitive cycles in myself with family members.
On an art note- started watching art:21. It's wonderful seeing people work for something other- a yearning within themselves. Not needing to explain it- enjoying, living the process and seeing them succeed in it! very inspiring!
What an amazing process owning- constructing a building!
In working with others- I feel myself opening and closing- my sister's family is here staying with us. In theory I very much like the idea that a village raises a child. It makes sense for the job is too large for just one.
At the same time being in my family 'village' is really hard for me. I get so frustrated by the end of the day! The silly thing is that I thought that I was done with this kind of struggle- that I could function well after workshops, meditation, therapy. It seems that I land myself right back in my own frustration- why?? Why is the thought pattern still the same?
It seems with others- besides family members, I have changed. I can process frustration differently. How do I brake the repetitive cycles in myself with family members.
On an art note- started watching art:21. It's wonderful seeing people work for something other- a yearning within themselves. Not needing to explain it- enjoying, living the process and seeing them succeed in it! very inspiring!
Monday, March 19, 2007
closings and openings
closed
on
my
construction
loan
today!!!!!
very big milestone. construction can continue. the project has breathed new life into itself. yay.
on
my
construction
loan
today!!!!!
very big milestone. construction can continue. the project has breathed new life into itself. yay.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Insomnia
What can I be passionate about during the hours when no one and no thing is awake?
I've been awake since 2AM, thinking a lot about the creative process. Thinking about Louise Bourgeouis' insomnia drawings. I don't feel like drawing right now. I feel like being asleep. Or having enough energy to not lose out on tomorrow. I don't want to take the low road
What about women are you passionate about Tereza? It's like when I read about artists' work with "identity". What does that mean, in more specific terms?
I have been watching Art:21 on DVD and have been very inspired. I feel like I responded in very positive ways to Roni Horn's work; been thinking about her for the last few days.
A Conscious Object piece is going to the BAM gala tonight. Very exciting stuff.
I started googling all the guys I slept with, starting with the one with whom I experienced "that trauma"...I became obsessed, and the names and faces I could remember have stayed with me this week.
I am terrified of my own power, and of transformation with a big "T". I feel way too much in my head, which gets alleviated when I work with my work, my body, my work.
Tomorrow/today I close on my construction loan for my building project: 1.275 million dollars to build my building. Did I ever think I'd even make that much in my lifetime, let alone taking out a loan for that amount? Maybe that's why I can't sleep. I gave Turu a one-hour reiki/myofascial/positional release session between 3 and 4AM because he couldn't sleep either.
I thoroughly cleaned my house before sitting down to write this.
I'll be in studio all day tomorrow before and after my closing; will post photos hopefully soon, to reclaim my body in my work. It sustains me to know Lorna Simpson is showing at the Whitney, and I'm 20 minutes away from the Metropolitan Museum.
I've been awake since 2AM, thinking a lot about the creative process. Thinking about Louise Bourgeouis' insomnia drawings. I don't feel like drawing right now. I feel like being asleep. Or having enough energy to not lose out on tomorrow. I don't want to take the low road
What about women are you passionate about Tereza? It's like when I read about artists' work with "identity". What does that mean, in more specific terms?
I have been watching Art:21 on DVD and have been very inspired. I feel like I responded in very positive ways to Roni Horn's work; been thinking about her for the last few days.
A Conscious Object piece is going to the BAM gala tonight. Very exciting stuff.
I started googling all the guys I slept with, starting with the one with whom I experienced "that trauma"...I became obsessed, and the names and faces I could remember have stayed with me this week.
I am terrified of my own power, and of transformation with a big "T". I feel way too much in my head, which gets alleviated when I work with my work, my body, my work.
Tomorrow/today I close on my construction loan for my building project: 1.275 million dollars to build my building. Did I ever think I'd even make that much in my lifetime, let alone taking out a loan for that amount? Maybe that's why I can't sleep. I gave Turu a one-hour reiki/myofascial/positional release session between 3 and 4AM because he couldn't sleep either.
I thoroughly cleaned my house before sitting down to write this.
I'll be in studio all day tomorrow before and after my closing; will post photos hopefully soon, to reclaim my body in my work. It sustains me to know Lorna Simpson is showing at the Whitney, and I'm 20 minutes away from the Metropolitan Museum.
Monday, March 12, 2007
Passion
A question came up: what are you passionate about?
For some reason I could not answer at that moment-after reflection on this conversation it passionately poured out.
women- I am passionate about women- the mystery in this body of ours
ground- I love the smell, texture working the soil- discovering the wormies, slugs, life
color- Slowly, this is creaping into my consciousness (Seattle is so gray that the nature contrasted with the glow of the white sky stands out.)
building- I love touching things, working them with my hands; assembling, cleaning, painting
another question that took me by surprise: Why are you here??
after some pondering- I am here to work on me with you.
For some reason I could not answer at that moment-after reflection on this conversation it passionately poured out.
women- I am passionate about women- the mystery in this body of ours
ground- I love the smell, texture working the soil- discovering the wormies, slugs, life
color- Slowly, this is creaping into my consciousness (Seattle is so gray that the nature contrasted with the glow of the white sky stands out.)
building- I love touching things, working them with my hands; assembling, cleaning, painting
another question that took me by surprise: Why are you here??
after some pondering- I am here to work on me with you.
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
this life
If this life is all one has, how can one choose to spend it?
I had an amazingly serendipitous conversation while working with a regular client this afternoon: a woman in her 70's, who in some cosmic way, was tuned into what I needed to talk about today: you know, the big things like the meaning of life, what we're all doing here, etc. I was specifically interested in the blending of life and art, the merge of massage and art and life...trying to remain unseparated in a very divided and seaparted city. Among other wonderful things, she said to live life without the regrets of "what could have been".
She said she has so many books she still wants to read, so many places she still wants to visit; who can tell if she will succeed in her quest? She doesn't believe in reincarnation, so this life is it for her.
Although I do believe in reincarnation of sorts, I still think one has the option of doing great things in this life. Bringing new life into the world, changing thought structures through art, creating paradigm shifts in government, etc...are all possible. With the acknowledgement of my own painful past, and dealing with the issues of sexual manipulation in my work and in my life, I question the "how"...how can I continue to incorporate the aspects of nuance, grace, and vulnerability in my work? I find in my life those aspects are not easily communicable. I am practicing, and I guess practice makes permanent, so...
It was incredibly powerful to be working on her while she was talking, to feel her body and her respiration move her lungs and hear her voice come out of her body as I was massaging her.
I was moved, to stillness if that makes sense. A wave of calm washed over me. It was like the snow that has blanketed the city today; a thin veil, but very present.
I would like to go back to South Africa.
I would like to start living off my art work again
I would like to travel more, with my husband
I would liket the Conscious Object to take off with grace and purpose
I would like to be able to communicate through my work in a more universal way
I would like my finished building to be as green as possible
I would like my husband to stop living a worried life as he does
I would like my memories of the workshops to be able to inspire my daily life for the rest of my life
I would like to leave New York for the next few years
I would like to have fewer separations in my life
I had an amazingly serendipitous conversation while working with a regular client this afternoon: a woman in her 70's, who in some cosmic way, was tuned into what I needed to talk about today: you know, the big things like the meaning of life, what we're all doing here, etc. I was specifically interested in the blending of life and art, the merge of massage and art and life...trying to remain unseparated in a very divided and seaparted city. Among other wonderful things, she said to live life without the regrets of "what could have been".
She said she has so many books she still wants to read, so many places she still wants to visit; who can tell if she will succeed in her quest? She doesn't believe in reincarnation, so this life is it for her.
Although I do believe in reincarnation of sorts, I still think one has the option of doing great things in this life. Bringing new life into the world, changing thought structures through art, creating paradigm shifts in government, etc...are all possible. With the acknowledgement of my own painful past, and dealing with the issues of sexual manipulation in my work and in my life, I question the "how"...how can I continue to incorporate the aspects of nuance, grace, and vulnerability in my work? I find in my life those aspects are not easily communicable. I am practicing, and I guess practice makes permanent, so...
It was incredibly powerful to be working on her while she was talking, to feel her body and her respiration move her lungs and hear her voice come out of her body as I was massaging her.
I was moved, to stillness if that makes sense. A wave of calm washed over me. It was like the snow that has blanketed the city today; a thin veil, but very present.
I would like to go back to South Africa.
I would like to start living off my art work again
I would like to travel more, with my husband
I would liket the Conscious Object to take off with grace and purpose
I would like to be able to communicate through my work in a more universal way
I would like my finished building to be as green as possible
I would like my husband to stop living a worried life as he does
I would like my memories of the workshops to be able to inspire my daily life for the rest of my life
I would like to leave New York for the next few years
I would like to have fewer separations in my life
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
Processing..
This dialogue definitely is helping me connect to the art process.
I have so much catching up to do. These past two years have been a whirl-wind, I have been storing, collecting, sketching images. I hope when Ali is at the stage to let me go a little bit- to pour these out.
For now, it is the quick camera shot, the colaging mixed media that gets me into the practice.
Of course, mom hood and I think whatever one does contributes so much to one's art.
I was thinking about you as my body was being scrubbed and waxed! What an amazing way to communicate with your hands! That touch and passage of energy! Knowing the form as the message therapist does! The visual information you are picking up about the form!
enough for now- hoping to play before she wakes.
adding a little image that rocked me off my balance for the first months of her life.
How does one empathize in the hard times without being pulled in emotionally?? From where does one help?? I know it is Alenka's life and it may be a struggle she has to go through, but it really gets to the point where I can hardly bare it.
Monday, March 5, 2007
interpersonal...so great
it's so interesting to think about action and reaction, care of oneself and care for others...I couldn't imagine the amount of time it takes out of one to be a parent, and I applaud you for being conscientious enough to respect and honor your daughter as much as you do.
The dilemma, then, arises when confronted with one's work, one's artwork.
Although I am not a parent, I feel like the transition after 9/11/01 into the field of massage therapy took me very off base my own art axis. It was a willing choice; I felt stiffled as a teacher and was in mourning for the loss of my cousin and my city and needed a change. I went to school, graduated, started practicing massage and started identifying myself not as the artist I am, but as a Massage Therapist.
My identity was becoming very fixed, without my realizing it. I was separating many aspects of my life, not fostering my creative side or exploring the creative process through visual art, and concentrating all my energy into my bodywork...which is not to say bodywork isn't creative, but in a visual context it isn't.
Six years and two workshops later, I have made the conscious choice to return to my studio practice, my life practice as an artist. I've made that choice, and it feels like a surge of positive energy every time I wake up and commit to making my practice part of my life.
The reason I mention this is because it sounds to me like you are going through a similar orbit with your daughter. The questions you raise sound so familar. The great thing is that you are conscious about your position. I think this blog, this active communication with someone on the other side of the country, can be a pathway for you, a possible open door to re-exploring your work.
I had a printmaking party at my studio this afternoon; a couple of workshoppers came over. I cast a pair of hands; we all went out to lunch together. We used my press. It was uplifting to recognize the subtle power of commitment...to an idea, to a lifestyle, to principles they believe in. And to make a wonderful afternoon together.
The dilemma, then, arises when confronted with one's work, one's artwork.
Although I am not a parent, I feel like the transition after 9/11/01 into the field of massage therapy took me very off base my own art axis. It was a willing choice; I felt stiffled as a teacher and was in mourning for the loss of my cousin and my city and needed a change. I went to school, graduated, started practicing massage and started identifying myself not as the artist I am, but as a Massage Therapist.
My identity was becoming very fixed, without my realizing it. I was separating many aspects of my life, not fostering my creative side or exploring the creative process through visual art, and concentrating all my energy into my bodywork...which is not to say bodywork isn't creative, but in a visual context it isn't.
Six years and two workshops later, I have made the conscious choice to return to my studio practice, my life practice as an artist. I've made that choice, and it feels like a surge of positive energy every time I wake up and commit to making my practice part of my life.
The reason I mention this is because it sounds to me like you are going through a similar orbit with your daughter. The questions you raise sound so familar. The great thing is that you are conscious about your position. I think this blog, this active communication with someone on the other side of the country, can be a pathway for you, a possible open door to re-exploring your work.
I had a printmaking party at my studio this afternoon; a couple of workshoppers came over. I cast a pair of hands; we all went out to lunch together. We used my press. It was uplifting to recognize the subtle power of commitment...to an idea, to a lifestyle, to principles they believe in. And to make a wonderful afternoon together.
Sunday, March 4, 2007
responsability for life-time
You're absolutely right. I definitelly did speak out of judgement. It was a situation that drove my thoughts all afternoon and by the time I sat down to post it carried with it an avolanch.
A mother's story..
I am blessed to share my time with Alenka's soul. I feel that we often communicate through telepathy (I see it when she sleeps- her jolts, breath, all connect to mine.) It is a joy to hold her, feel her softness, burry my lips into her cheek, saaaaaee her expressions as if I was looking into a mirror of the past- my expressions- her wonder at the world- was once mine as well. As I was talking to my friend who became a father to his third daughter last night, this human existance is totally amazing.
And at the same time- All my day with Alenka...
This is so very, very hard. The time I have to meditate, paint, email are these few moments. I am on call day and night- nights are tougher for I did not realize she would need me to parent through this time as well. I parent when I am sick or well, when she is sick or well, through all emotions. It is hardest when she is suffering and there is nothing I can do to help her- that brakes my heart. I only say this because motherhood and the work that comes with it is so often romanticized.
Whatever the condition we are in; be it single, or next to a person, or more people in a family situation, I think it is important to just work with ourselves. The others around us are gifts that come and one day go- if only I could apply this to everyone everyday!
A mother's story..
I am blessed to share my time with Alenka's soul. I feel that we often communicate through telepathy (I see it when she sleeps- her jolts, breath, all connect to mine.) It is a joy to hold her, feel her softness, burry my lips into her cheek, saaaaaee her expressions as if I was looking into a mirror of the past- my expressions- her wonder at the world- was once mine as well. As I was talking to my friend who became a father to his third daughter last night, this human existance is totally amazing.
And at the same time- All my day with Alenka...
This is so very, very hard. The time I have to meditate, paint, email are these few moments. I am on call day and night- nights are tougher for I did not realize she would need me to parent through this time as well. I parent when I am sick or well, when she is sick or well, through all emotions. It is hardest when she is suffering and there is nothing I can do to help her- that brakes my heart. I only say this because motherhood and the work that comes with it is so often romanticized.
Whatever the condition we are in; be it single, or next to a person, or more people in a family situation, I think it is important to just work with ourselves. The others around us are gifts that come and one day go- if only I could apply this to everyone everyday!
Friday, March 2, 2007
thinking about women
Tereza,
Thinking about what you wrote yesterday, I am so happy that you were able to share the day with women in water as it were.
I was also struck by your response at lunch with your friend and your children, regarding the woman who asked to be seated elsewhere. I wasn't there, so I can't be sure of her tone, but maybe you can consider alternate reasons other than her regard for you as "second-class". I often jump to conclusions about others' behavior, but consider these items, below:
-Maybe she's a school teacher and is tired of being surrounded by children and wanted some peace and quiet
-Maybe she can't have kids and is in the middle of a bad marriage, and is freaking out
-Maybe she just had a miscarriage and doesn't want to be reminded of women who can actually conceive and give birth to healthy children
-Maybe it was her one day off in two weeks and the only thing she wanted was to be alone, not to be in the presence of children
Her reasons for moving can be many, but I offer these possibilities to you as alternatives to your reaction to why she left. When I was in South Africa, it was such a blessing NOT to be able to "read" cultural codes, body language as I would in the states. Maybe you can retain some of your experiences in Capetown in a similar way.
Also, I'm in a strange space right now regarding whether or not I want children, and I may have changed tables as well, if I wanted a little more quiet space to myself. One cannot assume another's reason for doing something. If it bothered you so, you could have asked her...imagine an interview art piece all about why people move away from moms and babies in public spaces...that could be amazing!
I'm always a little jealous of moms who can stay home and spend all their time with their kids...to me it connotates an affordable lifestyle where only one parent has to work. Good for you to be able to spend all day with Alenka!
Interesting to observe different sides of the same coin!
Thinking about what you wrote yesterday, I am so happy that you were able to share the day with women in water as it were.
I was also struck by your response at lunch with your friend and your children, regarding the woman who asked to be seated elsewhere. I wasn't there, so I can't be sure of her tone, but maybe you can consider alternate reasons other than her regard for you as "second-class". I often jump to conclusions about others' behavior, but consider these items, below:
-Maybe she's a school teacher and is tired of being surrounded by children and wanted some peace and quiet
-Maybe she can't have kids and is in the middle of a bad marriage, and is freaking out
-Maybe she just had a miscarriage and doesn't want to be reminded of women who can actually conceive and give birth to healthy children
-Maybe it was her one day off in two weeks and the only thing she wanted was to be alone, not to be in the presence of children
Her reasons for moving can be many, but I offer these possibilities to you as alternatives to your reaction to why she left. When I was in South Africa, it was such a blessing NOT to be able to "read" cultural codes, body language as I would in the states. Maybe you can retain some of your experiences in Capetown in a similar way.
Also, I'm in a strange space right now regarding whether or not I want children, and I may have changed tables as well, if I wanted a little more quiet space to myself. One cannot assume another's reason for doing something. If it bothered you so, you could have asked her...imagine an interview art piece all about why people move away from moms and babies in public spaces...that could be amazing!
I'm always a little jealous of moms who can stay home and spend all their time with their kids...to me it connotates an affordable lifestyle where only one parent has to work. Good for you to be able to spend all day with Alenka!
Interesting to observe different sides of the same coin!
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
New (s) Paper
I was inspired this weekend by the women around me. I spent the morning at a Korean Spa- a bath house. Fifty stunning nudes around me- stunning is not the word, beautiful- that's it.
There was no sexual tone- although over here in the western world the two have been so intertwined.
It was such a pleasure- people being free with themselves and others. Another stunning fact was to see the variety in bodies. The diversity.
It really spun my mind to the reality that is and the reality that is- a twisted idea(l).
The experience was very refreshing.
I am reading The Feminine Mystique- thinking of my reality being a "stay-at-home-mom" - thinking of labels- how unhealthy they become when we fix them to something/one. A friend of mine and I went out with our daughters. After being seated next to us, a woman asked to be reseated. Did we do to affend by just being? I often feel like a second-third class citizen- where is my overtime- where is my minimum wage?
No, I want a world without wage- without an outside source telling me what I am worth- for everyone.
I want a reality that vulues each other for their differences. I want a new paper, daily.
There was no sexual tone- although over here in the western world the two have been so intertwined.
It was such a pleasure- people being free with themselves and others. Another stunning fact was to see the variety in bodies. The diversity.
It really spun my mind to the reality that is and the reality that is- a twisted idea(l).
The experience was very refreshing.
I am reading The Feminine Mystique- thinking of my reality being a "stay-at-home-mom" - thinking of labels- how unhealthy they become when we fix them to something/one. A friend of mine and I went out with our daughters. After being seated next to us, a woman asked to be reseated. Did we do to affend by just being? I often feel like a second-third class citizen- where is my overtime- where is my minimum wage?
No, I want a world without wage- without an outside source telling me what I am worth- for everyone.
I want a reality that vulues each other for their differences. I want a new paper, daily.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Automatic writing
Click onto this great site for a William Kentridge's early animation
http://dvblog.org/?p=30
I don't know how to include the video into this blog. Sorry
http://dvblog.org/?p=30
I don't know how to include the video into this blog. Sorry
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Pulse art fair, New York
Today Turu and I met Melora at the Pulse art fair at the Armory and went to see western countries' art galleries' art. Lots and lots of art. I make that clarification b/c what I saw is a particular slice of art that was presented in a particular way. I am careful not to think of the "art world" in grandious terms, but now see each event, artist, gallery, as people deciding to work with this thing called "art". It liberates my brain and heart.
It was interesting how each booth was a microcosm of an idea(l), an identity. It was also interesting how I noticed things in a different way than I would have before: namely, what was real to me and what I hardly noticed. It was in a non judgemental way, but more judicious: seeing as much that appealed to me as what didn't.
It was also an interesting way to gallery shop for representation...to see what gallerists were interesting to talk to, which ones peaked my curiosity. It was great to spend that time with Turu and to not separate my marital life with my art making process.
There were the fluff pieces, pieces that I didn't understand as "art", but also a lot of interesting pieces that made me think about new media, ways of continuing down the path of a mixed media project or a painting project...many things were continuations of ideas already generated in workshops that I've done before or seen other workshoppers do. That was inspiring.
Maybe tomorrow I'll go to the Armory show at Pier 94, but I think I saw so much all I want to do is be in studio and continue to create my own work.
Also watching "art:21" on DVD...love all the inspiration there is in the world of artists.
It was interesting how each booth was a microcosm of an idea(l), an identity. It was also interesting how I noticed things in a different way than I would have before: namely, what was real to me and what I hardly noticed. It was in a non judgemental way, but more judicious: seeing as much that appealed to me as what didn't.
It was also an interesting way to gallery shop for representation...to see what gallerists were interesting to talk to, which ones peaked my curiosity. It was great to spend that time with Turu and to not separate my marital life with my art making process.
There were the fluff pieces, pieces that I didn't understand as "art", but also a lot of interesting pieces that made me think about new media, ways of continuing down the path of a mixed media project or a painting project...many things were continuations of ideas already generated in workshops that I've done before or seen other workshoppers do. That was inspiring.
Maybe tomorrow I'll go to the Armory show at Pier 94, but I think I saw so much all I want to do is be in studio and continue to create my own work.
Also watching "art:21" on DVD...love all the inspiration there is in the world of artists.
Friday, February 23, 2007
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Power
I love your power...
Show me more
I realized how silenced I have been as a woman-
I'm thinking of my friend, a pilot in Iraq whose helicopter went down last week. I have been thinking of her lately wondering how silenced one must be under the scrutiny of the military.
She was always a quiet girl.
I'm also thinking of labor- how natural it was- surrounded by supportive women and my partner- allowing me to be in the moment- screaming - calming- moving- swimming, naked. It was a wonderful way to be teaching me so many lessons.
What can WE do??
Roar like lions, roar with the strength we have in our bodies-
I am reminded of the beautiful blue umbilical cord that passed nourishment from me to my child- we can do- if we do naturally
Show me more
I realized how silenced I have been as a woman-
I'm thinking of my friend, a pilot in Iraq whose helicopter went down last week. I have been thinking of her lately wondering how silenced one must be under the scrutiny of the military.
She was always a quiet girl.
I'm also thinking of labor- how natural it was- surrounded by supportive women and my partner- allowing me to be in the moment- screaming - calming- moving- swimming, naked. It was a wonderful way to be teaching me so many lessons.
What can WE do??
Roar like lions, roar with the strength we have in our bodies-
I am reminded of the beautiful blue umbilical cord that passed nourishment from me to my child- we can do- if we do naturally
Finding another path every day
Last night after an exhilerating day studio and work Turu and I went to friends' house to see "the Ground Truth", a documentary about US veterans after their service in Iraq. It was bone-chilling, but more surprising was the response by those around me: "What can WE do?"
It struck me that the question was not asked in ernest, and not asked five or six years ago when the war in Iraq began, but asked in the safety of a New York apartment, because it seemed like a correct question to ask in a group of white, urban, educated types. At least that was my perception.
It also struck me although we were watching a film about the Iraq war, there were a multitude of connections with the Apartheid government in South Africa. No one asked about my experience in Capetown; they could not hear the connections I was trying to relate. I tried to relate the images of bodies being mamed, interogated, shot at, humiliated, yelled at, to experiences I heard firsthand from people I met in Capetown, but that analogy seemed to get lost in the ether...
I remember very clearly in the Holocaust museum the phrase "not to speak is to speak, not to act is to act". Until enough people stand up and say NO, human rights abuses will continue and continue.
But to the question "What can we do?"...how do I answer? By building a green building in the middle of New York? By creating artwork that looks a certain way, but is actually something else, with a twist? By reading the New York Times in the country? What can one do?
I asked myself that a lot when I was in Capetown, and now that I'm back in New York it seems like just a relevant question. How does one process the daily knowledge of pain and destruction? How does one begin to stand up to what they know is wrong? I am beginning to create a principally feminine world in my studio to engage sides of myself that have been choked out of me for years and years. It feels decidedly me, for now.
It is one's choice how to live one's life. I know I have made my choice. My own psycological mark, my choice to actively live my life as an artist, not to be swayed by "cool", not to live so much at the whims of others. To have a spine. To use my voice, to not be afraid of my power.
It struck me that the question was not asked in ernest, and not asked five or six years ago when the war in Iraq began, but asked in the safety of a New York apartment, because it seemed like a correct question to ask in a group of white, urban, educated types. At least that was my perception.
It also struck me although we were watching a film about the Iraq war, there were a multitude of connections with the Apartheid government in South Africa. No one asked about my experience in Capetown; they could not hear the connections I was trying to relate. I tried to relate the images of bodies being mamed, interogated, shot at, humiliated, yelled at, to experiences I heard firsthand from people I met in Capetown, but that analogy seemed to get lost in the ether...
I remember very clearly in the Holocaust museum the phrase "not to speak is to speak, not to act is to act". Until enough people stand up and say NO, human rights abuses will continue and continue.
But to the question "What can we do?"...how do I answer? By building a green building in the middle of New York? By creating artwork that looks a certain way, but is actually something else, with a twist? By reading the New York Times in the country? What can one do?
I asked myself that a lot when I was in Capetown, and now that I'm back in New York it seems like just a relevant question. How does one process the daily knowledge of pain and destruction? How does one begin to stand up to what they know is wrong? I am beginning to create a principally feminine world in my studio to engage sides of myself that have been choked out of me for years and years. It feels decidedly me, for now.
It is one's choice how to live one's life. I know I have made my choice. My own psycological mark, my choice to actively live my life as an artist, not to be swayed by "cool", not to live so much at the whims of others. To have a spine. To use my voice, to not be afraid of my power.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
backward shirts
an hour.. how many minutes/time do I have before the sleepy cry of a little one becons the breast?
this time is for me- my meditation- reading-reflecting-responding. I dive into your words. There is an uneasyness - I fly through the day siometimes seemingly in chaos- wantintg to force a routine knowing she does not work this way and frankly neither do I.
Grounding in breath is to me the way as is the grounding in your bones, I think. The breath carries me through the roughness- I often have to find it- it works like magic with the exhale..
tha painting images- over and over again makes me link up our lives - at the moment I am not painting much - my painting, art is my daughter- with her I see connections- my flaws, the stains, the history, the beauty, the mess!
There is so much to work on all the time... How do I keep connected to my heart? in the moment- one moment feeds the next - how much does all of history-mine, her, mankinds way upon our shoulders? Can it instead uplift us? Can it all be beautiful?
a psychological mark- any pure movement or stillness of one- if that connection always there at the end of a brush- that I am not sure. a loaded question...
this time is for me- my meditation- reading-reflecting-responding. I dive into your words. There is an uneasyness - I fly through the day siometimes seemingly in chaos- wantintg to force a routine knowing she does not work this way and frankly neither do I.
Grounding in breath is to me the way as is the grounding in your bones, I think. The breath carries me through the roughness- I often have to find it- it works like magic with the exhale..
tha painting images- over and over again makes me link up our lives - at the moment I am not painting much - my painting, art is my daughter- with her I see connections- my flaws, the stains, the history, the beauty, the mess!
There is so much to work on all the time... How do I keep connected to my heart? in the moment- one moment feeds the next - how much does all of history-mine, her, mankinds way upon our shoulders? Can it instead uplift us? Can it all be beautiful?
a psychological mark- any pure movement or stillness of one- if that connection always there at the end of a brush- that I am not sure. a loaded question...
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Only an hour
I only had an hour to work today, but it was used to the fullest capacity. I figured something out.
There was a demonstration outside the Guinea embassy this morning. I took a pamphlet.
My clients this afternoon were all small boned and tiny. Lots of back problems.
My partner made me an excellent dinner.
There was a demonstration outside the Guinea embassy this morning. I took a pamphlet.
My clients this afternoon were all small boned and tiny. Lots of back problems.
My partner made me an excellent dinner.
Monday, February 19, 2007
mirror mirror the beginning
Although I have started painting again, I've never worked in this way before. It's been about 5 years since I've been in front of the canvas; about that amount of time since I've been as captivated by drawing as I am now. How is a mark not a mark but a conveyance of a psycological state?
How does painting an item/person/animal over and over again lead to its re-presentation? I can paint the muzzle megaphone cow 15 times and each time each new piece is different, yet dependent on its predecesor for its existance.
How do I engage the viewer by providing just enough visual information to invite their own stories in?
How do I use my own story and own traumas without exploiting them?
What is a pyscological mark?
Working with the word wheels and the paintings and the drawings is like a 3D spiral in and of itself.
Mirror mirror is also on my mind...thinking about feminity, women's sexuality as taboo, vanity, the hand held, the hand made, biennale-scale work. Rhymes, chants, repetition
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Eccentric orbits
Related to the volvelle, my partner used the eccentric orbit of Pluto to illustrate how we can mechanize the word wheels. More to come...
volvelles
After making a "word wheel" piece, it was suggested to research different permutations of children's books or pop up books to intervene or make for adults.
During insomnia last night, I researched online:
word wheels
movable books
and then came across "volvelle", see below:
A volvelle (French, meaning to turn) is a paper disc in a book that when rotated can be used as a tool for calculations or other less scientific purposes, such as fortune telling. It is considered the first paper movable to appear in a book.
The first known volvelle was created by Benedictine monk Matthew Paris in 1250. The traditional circular charts that appeared in the abbey's books, used to determine when to observe holidays, were cumbersome since the books were heavy and had to be rotated on the monk's laps. Matthew decided it would be easy if the circular chart spun around instead of the whole book and so the first volvelle was born! With the introduction of the printing press in the late 1400's it was possible to mass produce books as well as any paper movables inside. Petrus Apianus, shown here in 1533, was a master at this craft and created some of the most beautiful volvelles ever. Some of Petrus' volvelles were simple yet always contained a stunning degree of complexity and sophistication. The multi-piece volvelle, attached at the center with a plain piece of string, could be used to calculate the movements of the cosmos.
In 1540 Petrus produced the gorgeous Astronomicum Caesareum . All the engravings for this very large volvelle were painstakingly executed and then laboriously painted in with watercolors. These types of volvelles were very expensive and would have been beyond the financial means of the general public. They were usually reserved for royalty or for the well-educated (and well-connected) scientific community. For the astrological or navigational student who couldn't afford one of the big, color versions of the volvelles, Petrus and other volvelle creators made small, pocket-size versions of their books.
Some of the volvelles were very simple and could be used to help navigate by the stars. This was certainly a more economical way to do calculations instead of having to purchase much more expensive metal instruments. The volvelles didn't necessary have to have circular paper elements, either. A variety of shapes could be incorporated depending on the types of calculations required. Today, volvelles can also be viewed exquisite pieces of artwork. Creating the extremely delicate woodcuts or printing plates was not an easy undertaking and one misplaced number or letter would spell disaster for the final piece.
So this can be very expansive if worked in a contemporary context. Hmmmm.....
The spiral
Interesting to be starting another blog after my initial curiosity petered out mid-2006. I feel like I am getting back to how I used to be but have never been before.
Some new aspects to consider today:
-circulating ideas dissapates their potency or memory, and at the same time increases possibilities of change. Starting a conversation and possible collaboration with TMS about working with one's traumas in one's current reality.
-living one's life as an artist is more than just making work in studio. I feel like my past is collapsing into my present as I cleaned out and threw out all old paperwork in my closets.
-I feel it's one's choice to feel confined.
-I recently returned from a cultural exchange workshop in Capetown South Africa. After two weeks of being back in New York City, I catch myself swaying back to being "cool" and have to check myself back to the reality i want to live in.
-I am so excited about making work I can hardly sleep.
-The drop of ink in the water glass: let the ideas permeate, deepen, slowly and thoughtfully. Maybe stop skipping from thing to thing and think about how deep one can go with an idea or concept.
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