Coexistance

After an intense week with seven people in the house, I have been thinking a lot about coexisting- what it means; (exits at the same time or in the same space; exist in harmony).

The harmony was not included in last week's experience but we survived. I need to create a space where all my family can coexist.

I am happy to see how the day's with Ali are rhythmic with both mine and her needs met. I appreciate this. Children make coexistence seem effortless. I wonder if we all did what we truly wanted/needed, if a lot of the chaos in the world would be relieved.

Would love to see more from your studio, Angela- I'll send you some work in progress too.

Openings, Closings within myself

Congratulations!

What an amazing process owning- constructing a building!

In working with others- I feel myself opening and closing- my sister's family is here staying with us. In theory I very much like the idea that a village raises a child. It makes sense for the job is too large for just one.

At the same time being in my family 'village' is really hard for me. I get so frustrated by the end of the day! The silly thing is that I thought that I was done with this kind of struggle- that I could function well after workshops, meditation, therapy. It seems that I land myself right back in my own frustration- why?? Why is the thought pattern still the same?

It seems with others- besides family members, I have changed. I can process frustration differently. How do I brake the repetitive cycles in myself with family members.

On an art note- started watching art:21. It's wonderful seeing people work for something other- a yearning within themselves. Not needing to explain it- enjoying, living the process and seeing them succeed in it! very inspiring!

closings and openings

closed

on

my

construction

loan

today!!!!!

very big milestone. construction can continue. the project has breathed new life into itself. yay.

Insomnia

What can I be passionate about during the hours when no one and no thing is awake?

I've been awake since 2AM, thinking a lot about the creative process. Thinking about Louise Bourgeouis' insomnia drawings. I don't feel like drawing right now. I feel like being asleep. Or having enough energy to not lose out on tomorrow. I don't want to take the low road

What about women are you passionate about Tereza? It's like when I read about artists' work with "identity". What does that mean, in more specific terms?

I have been watching Art:21 on DVD and have been very inspired. I feel like I responded in very positive ways to Roni Horn's work; been thinking about her for the last few days.

A Conscious Object piece is going to the BAM gala tonight. Very exciting stuff.

I started googling all the guys I slept with, starting with the one with whom I experienced "that trauma"...I became obsessed, and the names and faces I could remember have stayed with me this week.

I am terrified of my own power, and of transformation with a big "T". I feel way too much in my head, which gets alleviated when I work with my work, my body, my work.

Tomorrow/today I close on my construction loan for my building project: 1.275 million dollars to build my building. Did I ever think I'd even make that much in my lifetime, let alone taking out a loan for that amount? Maybe that's why I can't sleep. I gave Turu a one-hour reiki/myofascial/positional release session between 3 and 4AM because he couldn't sleep either.

I thoroughly cleaned my house before sitting down to write this.

I'll be in studio all day tomorrow before and after my closing; will post photos hopefully soon, to reclaim my body in my work. It sustains me to know Lorna Simpson is showing at the Whitney, and I'm 20 minutes away from the Metropolitan Museum.

Passion

A question came up: what are you passionate about?

For some reason I could not answer at that moment-after reflection on this conversation it passionately poured out.

women- I am passionate about women- the mystery in this body of ours
ground- I love the smell, texture working the soil- discovering the wormies, slugs, life
color- Slowly, this is creaping into my consciousness (Seattle is so gray that the nature contrasted with the glow of the white sky stands out.)
building- I love touching things, working them with my hands; assembling, cleaning, painting

another question that took me by surprise: Why are you here??

after some pondering- I am here to work on me with you.

this life

If this life is all one has, how can one choose to spend it?

I had an amazingly serendipitous conversation while working with a regular client this afternoon: a woman in her 70's, who in some cosmic way, was tuned into what I needed to talk about today: you know, the big things like the meaning of life, what we're all doing here, etc. I was specifically interested in the blending of life and art, the merge of massage and art and life...trying to remain unseparated in a very divided and seaparted city. Among other wonderful things, she said to live life without the regrets of "what could have been".

She said she has so many books she still wants to read, so many places she still wants to visit; who can tell if she will succeed in her quest? She doesn't believe in reincarnation, so this life is it for her.

Although I do believe in reincarnation of sorts, I still think one has the option of doing great things in this life. Bringing new life into the world, changing thought structures through art, creating paradigm shifts in government, etc...are all possible. With the acknowledgement of my own painful past, and dealing with the issues of sexual manipulation in my work and in my life, I question the "how"...how can I continue to incorporate the aspects of nuance, grace, and vulnerability in my work? I find in my life those aspects are not easily communicable. I am practicing, and I guess practice makes permanent, so...

It was incredibly powerful to be working on her while she was talking, to feel her body and her respiration move her lungs and hear her voice come out of her body as I was massaging her.

I was moved, to stillness if that makes sense. A wave of calm washed over me. It was like the snow that has blanketed the city today; a thin veil, but very present.

I would like to go back to South Africa.
I would like to start living off my art work again
I would like to travel more, with my husband
I would liket the Conscious Object to take off with grace and purpose
I would like to be able to communicate through my work in a more universal way
I would like my finished building to be as green as possible
I would like my husband to stop living a worried life as he does
I would like my memories of the workshops to be able to inspire my daily life for the rest of my life
I would like to leave New York for the next few years
I would like to have fewer separations in my life

Processing..

This dialogue definitely is helping me connect to the art process.

I have so much catching up to do. These past two years have been a whirl-wind, I have been storing, collecting, sketching images. I hope when Ali is at the stage to let me go a little bit- to pour these out.

For now, it is the quick camera shot, the colaging mixed media that gets me into the practice.

Of course, mom hood and I think whatever one does contributes so much to one's art.

I was thinking about you as my body was being scrubbed and waxed! What an amazing way to communicate with your hands! That touch and passage of energy! Knowing the form as the message therapist does! The visual information you are picking up about the form!

enough for now- hoping to play before she wakes.

adding a little image that rocked me off my balance for the first months of her life.

How does one empathize in the hard times without being pulled in emotionally?? From where does one help?? I know it is Alenka's life and it may be a struggle she has to go through, but it really gets to the point where I can hardly bare it.

interpersonal...so great

it's so interesting to think about action and reaction, care of oneself and care for others...I couldn't imagine the amount of time it takes out of one to be a parent, and I applaud you for being conscientious enough to respect and honor your daughter as much as you do.

The dilemma, then, arises when confronted with one's work, one's artwork.

Although I am not a parent, I feel like the transition after 9/11/01 into the field of massage therapy took me very off base my own art axis. It was a willing choice; I felt stiffled as a teacher and was in mourning for the loss of my cousin and my city and needed a change. I went to school, graduated, started practicing massage and started identifying myself not as the artist I am, but as a Massage Therapist.

My identity was becoming very fixed, without my realizing it. I was separating many aspects of my life, not fostering my creative side or exploring the creative process through visual art, and concentrating all my energy into my bodywork...which is not to say bodywork isn't creative, but in a visual context it isn't.

Six years and two workshops later, I have made the conscious choice to return to my studio practice, my life practice as an artist. I've made that choice, and it feels like a surge of positive energy every time I wake up and commit to making my practice part of my life.

The reason I mention this is because it sounds to me like you are going through a similar orbit with your daughter. The questions you raise sound so familar. The great thing is that you are conscious about your position. I think this blog, this active communication with someone on the other side of the country, can be a pathway for you, a possible open door to re-exploring your work.

I had a printmaking party at my studio this afternoon; a couple of workshoppers came over. I cast a pair of hands; we all went out to lunch together. We used my press. It was uplifting to recognize the subtle power of commitment...to an idea, to a lifestyle, to principles they believe in. And to make a wonderful afternoon together.

responsability for life-time

You're absolutely right. I definitelly did speak out of judgement. It was a situation that drove my thoughts all afternoon and by the time I sat down to post it carried with it an avolanch.

A mother's story..

I am blessed to share my time with Alenka's soul. I feel that we often communicate through telepathy (I see it when she sleeps- her jolts, breath, all connect to mine.) It is a joy to hold her, feel her softness, burry my lips into her cheek, saaaaaee her expressions as if I was looking into a mirror of the past- my expressions- her wonder at the world- was once mine as well. As I was talking to my friend who became a father to his third daughter last night, this human existance is totally amazing.

And at the same time- All my day with Alenka...

This is so very, very hard. The time I have to meditate, paint, email are these few moments. I am on call day and night- nights are tougher for I did not realize she would need me to parent through this time as well. I parent when I am sick or well, when she is sick or well, through all emotions. It is hardest when she is suffering and there is nothing I can do to help her- that brakes my heart. I only say this because motherhood and the work that comes with it is so often romanticized.

Whatever the condition we are in; be it single, or next to a person, or more people in a family situation, I think it is important to just work with ourselves. The others around us are gifts that come and one day go- if only I could apply this to everyone everyday!

thinking about women

Tereza,
Thinking about what you wrote yesterday, I am so happy that you were able to share the day with women in water as it were.

I was also struck by your response at lunch with your friend and your children, regarding the woman who asked to be seated elsewhere. I wasn't there, so I can't be sure of her tone, but maybe you can consider alternate reasons other than her regard for you as "second-class". I often jump to conclusions about others' behavior, but consider these items, below:

-Maybe she's a school teacher and is tired of being surrounded by children and wanted some peace and quiet
-Maybe she can't have kids and is in the middle of a bad marriage, and is freaking out
-Maybe she just had a miscarriage and doesn't want to be reminded of women who can actually conceive and give birth to healthy children
-Maybe it was her one day off in two weeks and the only thing she wanted was to be alone, not to be in the presence of children

Her reasons for moving can be many, but I offer these possibilities to you as alternatives to your reaction to why she left. When I was in South Africa, it was such a blessing NOT to be able to "read" cultural codes, body language as I would in the states. Maybe you can retain some of your experiences in Capetown in a similar way.

Also, I'm in a strange space right now regarding whether or not I want children, and I may have changed tables as well, if I wanted a little more quiet space to myself. One cannot assume another's reason for doing something. If it bothered you so, you could have asked her...imagine an interview art piece all about why people move away from moms and babies in public spaces...that could be amazing!

I'm always a little jealous of moms who can stay home and spend all their time with their kids...to me it connotates an affordable lifestyle where only one parent has to work. Good for you to be able to spend all day with Alenka!

Interesting to observe different sides of the same coin!