art, life (no separation)

insomnia day 2.
"finish line" is near - Saturday the tenants move in.
Coffee
Coffee
Coffee

And I have our poem on my wall to be translated into beads - you are still very much in my daily mind, and my long term heart..

To clarify what "being picked on" means - I am referring to the overwhelming avalanche of stress and anxiety this building has brought into my life. I knew things would be hard to build it, but now that it is finished, the financial ramifications and the stress of the worldwide economy has made indelible impressions on my day to day life.

I am beginning to feel like a victim of the system - I am beginning to feel like an American statistic of people who borrowed too much (goaded by predatory mortgage brokers) to build homes they can't afford, and now are stuck with the bill.

I feel picked on by lending institutions who were very happy to lend me money under the false pretenses of inflated income (Thanks mortgage broker!) to build my house, but now won't budge to offer me another loan product ma'am because it is what it is ma'am, sorry there is nothing I can do ma'am, I'm very sorry to hear that ma'am; and my mortgage has effectively doubled in monthly payments since August 2008.

I feel picked on by the energy companies that took eight months to supply power to my building, bill me incorrectly, and constantly make mistakes with my accounts - sorry ma'am, I'm just doing my job ma'am. This takes enormous amounts of time out of my day to correct the mistakes of others - AND I"m still billed commercially, not residentially even though I built a residential building.

I feel picked on by the credit card companies who lent me tens of thousands of dollars when I needed to use personal funds to continue the job when the banks failed, and now the same companies are now revoking that extension and penalizing me for having bad credit. I have nine credit cards that have balances on them, and am drowning in debt. Every day I wake up and I owe more money with increasingly bad rates. Why lend and then not take responsibility?

I feel picked on by the city of New York who functions best on the dysfunction of its inhabitants, who has penalized this building for being "green" and small - ish. It's too big to be considered a small building, and too small to qualify for any tax benefit offered to bigger buildings. Thanks Mayor Bloomberg I hope you win the third term!

I feel picked on by myself and my choices.
I never wanted to live in New York forever
I never wanted to have all this responsibility
I never wanted to give up my art practice
I never wanted this to be my life
I never wanted to view things in such segmented ways
I wanted things to work out smoothly and effortlessly - haven't I worked enough with no result?

It's hard for me to accept my successes, especially when they come at such a price.
I learn every day, but have to vent once in a while or else this city will swallow me up.
xoxo
A