still pertains

Great-Grandmother's Masculine Ambitions (Wedding Photo)

Painted soap, saved candy lid (part of grandmother's estate)

Great-Grandfather's Feminine Aspirations (Army Photo ID)

Painted soap, found jewelry box, duvet buttons

complete beginner too

what remains? the  Remainder

feminine and masculine coexisting in one body

through the human figure- through this human figure

clean and dirty

grief and joy coexisting

birth and death

timelessness

Soap pieces translated into video

Dust pieces translated into sound

Ani dialogue continuing through mixed media

Collapse of perceived time

Beginning every time- all time, no end

with Ani

It's ironic that it is Ani who is teaching me how to carve smiles.

Hers and Vaclav Havel's are the first positive expression I have carved.

Thank you and missing you, love!

For Anitra

complete beginner

two aspects of the same thing in the same space. 

human figure 

perceived dualities of:

above and the below

clean and dirty

conscious and unconscious

back and front

feminine and masculine

grief, anger, and stillness, as they relates to domesticity and Feminism.

beaded Morse–coded poems

Clean city streets

Air Dirty Laundry

life-long love of painting

fragility

precision

fear

attachment

discarded paper and found images

collapse of perceived time

hand held mirrors cast in porcelain to reflect the space around them

necklaces created using Morse code are beaded translations of texts that convert sound into form.

Figure paintings

Why is it agonizingly difficult for me to articulate what I do through the written word?

I feel like a complete beginner. Every. Time.

studio thoughts

re viewing (the sticky but loose leafed) notes from JFC

I think she became very light in the end and I think she didn't have anything physical to attach to anymore. I think it seemed so much better for her to go, float away than to stay in her reality, limited to her mind. (Tibetan Book of Living and Dying is helpful to read right now.)

Also, as we talked about time collapsing and the ever present, I found my scattered notes from JFC and they are so very pertinent to what is happening. (I was dealing with the death of my grandfather with whom I sat through his process of dying a year and a half ago.) All thoughts on the following pages are so relevant and applicable, I had to sort through them and post them for my own clarification.

Let's talk soon,

 existing without sticking, suspending

 My grandmother forever wrapped (wraps) her knees for the pain, 

blaming grandfather (not any more)

Grandmother made the whip

I didn't find the ends

Allow for the gap.

 in the cup

(the cup exercise: focusing on an object, seeing its infinite manifestations)

                      polishing the floor, with cup in mind                               rear: process

 not holding on, not fixing in place, flowing

sound of feet slipping and sliding on studio floor

(word exercise; I chose maybe. Focus on the word, see its infinite manifestations)

Ali energy, present and not yet material.

Allowing 'mistakes' to be, exist in 

the space outside

allowing that space where the gap can happen

May be masculine and feminine

May be communist and democrat and...

May be old and young

May be an other

maybe

maybe cup is grandpa

maybe there is no birth and death

maybe clean and dirty

clean is a condition of dirty

maybe solid and liquid

what else?

Alenka drawing gecko on rear of the previous sheet.

change expression to +

infinite impressions remain

a journey through personal history

two sides of me (of joy)

(layered on top of) two side of me (my brain) that didn't get along

between feminine and masculine

 change expression to +

(here I think of ANi's smile in all photos, how such a positively expressive soul, can hold such darkness and sadness.)

murky (unsettled)

-clay at bottom of cup in water

added water reshuffles particles

drawing and cleaning

no difference.

 may be possible

melting the cup

grandmother's china lost (buried) and substitutes for a pebbled road

 Grandma's beads                                                                          who is cup?

organized by the cup                                                                       what am I?

clusters of beads organized by relative size of the cup                      who thought up cup?

grandma's china                                                                             (Grandma liked [s] little cups)

      soiled (painted) cups                                                               cultural, social implications

     (painted with clay)                                                                   CZ ceremony around drinking from a cup

                                                                                                    always with a saucer
                                                                                                    status with a cup

                                                                                                    flipping cup and saucer
                                                                                                    on his head

 playing cup

bodily interaction with cup                                 

stacked cup spine (reminds me of Haley M. painting in 4B)

me moving around the cup                                                       -moving with the cup/puc
      colors of the cup                                                                       sitting still with

clay- dropping cup into clay, seeing the impressions                    fading    impressions of a cup in clay
      suspended in water/sprinkle with water                                                    side to side
                                                                                                                      top and bottom
sound of the movement
      -sound of beads dropping and rolling in the cup
      -sound of cup running along a guitar string

 remains

Grandpa remains

(notes from his death bed)

video water spilling over cup, carrying his remains (impression remains) 

(reverse of the known)

drinking remains

cleaning the studio 

with the shape 

of the cup

cleaning tools 2

cleaning tools 1

(painting with clay and leftovers

(Artists workshop: Hands-on sacred geometry and theory for a visual artist)

-architecture (sivine geometry durrounds

-geometry around the heads of people

-painting with the ground

(and whatever sticks)

Imprints

infinite impressions

top/bottom handle                                                                                                       the handle

(imprints in combination with grandma's cloths- [crochet])

the most I could do is sit there and hold his hand

Impressions-

sitting with death, sitting with communism

memories?      on        (communism)

             non-aiming(?)

mixing my play with grandparent's objects

and watching and listening for other things to come in

-sitting death- with/communism

do memories create one?

how do the memories function in the present

-hold something from the past is to hold them?

                                                           buried branch? in grandma box