studio thoughts

re viewing (the sticky but loose leafed) notes from JFC

I think she became very light in the end and I think she didn't have anything physical to attach to anymore. I think it seemed so much better for her to go, float away than to stay in her reality, limited to her mind. (Tibetan Book of Living and Dying is helpful to read right now.)

Also, as we talked about time collapsing and the ever present, I found my scattered notes from JFC and they are so very pertinent to what is happening. (I was dealing with the death of my grandfather with whom I sat through his process of dying a year and a half ago.) All thoughts on the following pages are so relevant and applicable, I had to sort through them and post them for my own clarification.

Let's talk soon,

 existing without sticking, suspending

 My grandmother forever wrapped (wraps) her knees for the pain, 

blaming grandfather (not any more)

Grandmother made the whip

I didn't find the ends

Allow for the gap.

 in the cup

(the cup exercise: focusing on an object, seeing its infinite manifestations)

                      polishing the floor, with cup in mind                               rear: process

 not holding on, not fixing in place, flowing

sound of feet slipping and sliding on studio floor

(word exercise; I chose maybe. Focus on the word, see its infinite manifestations)

Ali energy, present and not yet material.

Allowing 'mistakes' to be, exist in 

the space outside

allowing that space where the gap can happen

May be masculine and feminine

May be communist and democrat and...

May be old and young

May be an other

maybe

maybe cup is grandpa

maybe there is no birth and death

maybe clean and dirty

clean is a condition of dirty

maybe solid and liquid

what else?

Alenka drawing gecko on rear of the previous sheet.

change expression to +

infinite impressions remain

a journey through personal history

two sides of me (of joy)

(layered on top of) two side of me (my brain) that didn't get along

between feminine and masculine

 change expression to +

(here I think of ANi's smile in all photos, how such a positively expressive soul, can hold such darkness and sadness.)

murky (unsettled)

-clay at bottom of cup in water

added water reshuffles particles

drawing and cleaning

no difference.

 may be possible

melting the cup

grandmother's china lost (buried) and substitutes for a pebbled road

 Grandma's beads                                                                          who is cup?

organized by the cup                                                                       what am I?

clusters of beads organized by relative size of the cup                      who thought up cup?

grandma's china                                                                             (Grandma liked [s] little cups)

      soiled (painted) cups                                                               cultural, social implications

     (painted with clay)                                                                   CZ ceremony around drinking from a cup

                                                                                                    always with a saucer
                                                                                                    status with a cup

                                                                                                    flipping cup and saucer
                                                                                                    on his head

 playing cup

bodily interaction with cup                                 

stacked cup spine (reminds me of Haley M. painting in 4B)

me moving around the cup                                                       -moving with the cup/puc
      colors of the cup                                                                       sitting still with

clay- dropping cup into clay, seeing the impressions                    fading    impressions of a cup in clay
      suspended in water/sprinkle with water                                                    side to side
                                                                                                                      top and bottom
sound of the movement
      -sound of beads dropping and rolling in the cup
      -sound of cup running along a guitar string

 remains

Grandpa remains

(notes from his death bed)

video water spilling over cup, carrying his remains (impression remains) 

(reverse of the known)

drinking remains

cleaning the studio 

with the shape 

of the cup

cleaning tools 2

cleaning tools 1

(painting with clay and leftovers

(Artists workshop: Hands-on sacred geometry and theory for a visual artist)

-architecture (sivine geometry durrounds

-geometry around the heads of people

-painting with the ground

(and whatever sticks)

Imprints

infinite impressions

top/bottom handle                                                                                                       the handle

(imprints in combination with grandma's cloths- [crochet])

the most I could do is sit there and hold his hand

Impressions-

sitting with death, sitting with communism

memories?      on        (communism)

             non-aiming(?)

mixing my play with grandparent's objects

and watching and listening for other things to come in

-sitting death- with/communism

do memories create one?

how do the memories function in the present

-hold something from the past is to hold them?

                                                           buried branch? in grandma box

clearing space

It's become very obvious that I have to transform my sense of what my 'day job' is into something that manifests my beliefs. Currently, that is not happening. I'm scared, even though I'm unhappy. When I see the photos you just posted, it makes sense that there is no time to waste, there is no past or future, just the present moment. I miss Anitra more and more and more. My mind is playing tricks on me, and my heart is very, very sad. How could she have made that impossible choice? How did fear invade her mind and spirit? Talking about it doesn't seem to help that much; being in the world and continuing to practice art is the only way I have found that makes sense. It's the experience beyond language that I am connecting to. I will post images tomorrow. It was really good to talk to you earlier xo

Ani Remains

Today's process in the studio- thinking of just questions,

What remains?

What precedes?

What follows?

Looking at these now, they all question time.

(top; a shrine for Ani, evolves daily)

(bottom; when carving her portrait in Poison Ivy soap, her smile reminded me of an expression of anguish I had painted on an egg-shell years ago. It was uncanny how the two were similar and made me think of her dual emotions, smiling in every photo but a deep, deep sadness underneath. Tape asks from left to right; pain, and, or, pleasure?)

(I see the cross in both of the above.)

CZ proverb; "To a friend with help, even at midnight."

(I wish I was there with her at 2AM.)

(front and back) a collaboration we sent to each other

This may not be the book you mentioned but one Ani sent me. None-the-less, I read the preface and worked with it. 

quote: "We need to study the past, become vulnerable, transcend our fears, better analyze the present, and look beyond the shock of the moment."

"Enlightenment is an accident."

Reminded me of Ani's flip painting series. 

I took the quotes from JFC that I had written and taped all around the studio and started sticking them on my round belly. 

top says; "mix the right blue"

bottom; "pain and or pleasure"

others said; "no preexisting answer"

"blood memory"

what precedes, what remains?

starting Chapter 1