Saturday, August 4, 2007

Gift


A half an hour ago, the energy was chaos- Alenka screaming, like someone being tortured (a combination of day's activity and a late nap).

Then I viewed the peaceful images my friend sent in the mail. Wow! What a contrast to my experience just a few moments back.





These intimate portraits were documented by a fabulous friend.

I often forget to view my life with the same amount of dignity as I impose on other things- the daily activities seem mundane. Ms. F cast some beautiful light on the day to day life- what a gift!





Saturday, July 28, 2007

Series still for "Through the Eyes of Strangers"



One of fifteen images for our show in October

death and life

It's so interesting what comes into one's world when one opens up to it.

The woman I knew as my Grandmother died this week, and a very good friend's wife had their first baby on the same day.

Even though Eda had been out of her mind and in a nursing home for a couple of years, her passing marks the end of an era in my maternal family: she was the last one left in her generation. Her twin sister died a few years ago, and the rest of her siblings many years before that. My Grandfather died when I was 17, his brothers when I was younger...unfortunately too many to count (and that's only my blood family, not including my family of friends who are no longer with me in this life)...

But then I know 6 women who are giving birth in the next month or have just given birth within the past month. Somehow their choices to start a family both draws me in and draws me away. I am less torn between having a baby and not having a baby, and more concerned with the "when"...

I realize the tantrum I threw and posted about last week was not a superficial or isolated incident at all, but it came from a deeply rooted place with a million strings attached. After it was over I slept for 13 hours, waking up in the same position I went to sleep in. Something dislodged from my entire being; the black anchor has lifted from around my heart. I don't think I'm an angry person anymore.

Not to say I'll never get angry again, but I think I confronted the first trauma in my life: my inability to admit I didn't know something and to say "I don't understand" with the willingness to learn. I don't have a very solid history of asking questions when I didn't know something...somehow just getting by on what I thought I knew with my attitude and false confidence was enough. That began to change when I stopped being so insecure about who I was or how I wanted to live my life, but still the old habits died hard, and I still clung on to (albeit old and useless) patterns of thinking.

But last week, seemingly out of nowhere, something that usually happens at workshops, happened on my own volition in my own studio. With my husband. As easy as that. Although it was what I can only describe as a complete physical and mental shift in consciousness, it was almost over as soon as it began, with me never able to be the same person again for the rest of my life.

I did not know how to describe how I felt because I had no memory or recall of ever feeling that way before. I feel like an open book, a boundary-less drifter in my own life. My brow is less furrowed. I sleep better at night.

That happend the day before my Grandmother/Great Aunt died, the day before Zelda was born. Life and death and personal transformation has been on my mind all week. Thank you Tereza for posting that link to another blog it was very aptly timed.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

A brilliant woman's dying process

http://www.sillipages.com/

I feel like I need to drastically alter my life, processing her beautiful death.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

getting on with it

Almost immediately after my temper tantrum I realized the misdirected choices I made that got me blue in the face. I confronted the issue and sorted things out. I think everyone is in each others' lives for a reason, especially the difficult ones: always there to teach one something. Until I learn my lesson about patience, grace, tolerance, and tact I still have challanges that push all my buttons.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

tantrums

It's so interesting how much change a person can go through in half a day. I posted earlier this afternoon so happy and inspired, only to turn cold, rigid, and uncompassionate only hours later towards a very recent former friend.

I don't have a poker face. I can't pretend to be interested in people or in things I detest. I embarrassed my husband and made myself look like a spoiled brat. I'm 32 years old still throwing tantrums about things that don't even really concern me.

Why are certain patterns so hard to shift out of?
What sense of self righteousness do I have to be obnoxious towards others?

I was very bratty. How can one deal with the aftermath of bad behavior?

Letter to M

Hi M!
I hope you are having a wonderful day. I wanted to let you know I made a tentative play date with Ivy and Ursula for this Saturday, and that I am finally doing all the artistic things on my list of things yet to do.

I miss you and love being in your studio. NYC sure feels empty without you, J, and J around.

I am trying my best to be as productive as possible...I feel so much better when I listen to the creative sides of myself and get into studio more often than not.

Getting used to being an artist again full time takes a little getting used to after convincing myself for so long that I couldn't do it.

The building is coming along nicely, and I can safely say I can breathe a little easier knowing it's getting taken care of by people I finally trust. Working with Turu is still super great, but I have to say I'm really looking forward to being around all that art in Venice, Kassel, and Germany (and to be around all the girls too; too many boys on construction sites!)

Anyway, I hope you have a happy birthday too and I'll see you soon. I think your birthday was yesterday. OK bye! Have a great time teaching. Can't wait to see everyone,
Angela

Friday, July 6, 2007

"Thank You for Seeing Me"- form the album, Universay Mother by Sinead Oconnor

been dancing a great amount. It is in a very different context than ten year ago when I was competing. This time I am moving my body freely with other women. It is about just that- it is still an expression of feeling at times sexual, mostly not. Where I was moving my body for others; judges, men, women, I am now moving for myself.

I have also started teaching couples! and of course the every day- tension with the history between man/woman; sexual, predatory, vulnerable, submissive, strong, weak are all there. I am excited to be working in this dynamic, for as an objective (at times!) outsider, I see and can tweak this dance. I am excited because I think I can shake up some of their respecive roles and hopefully when the dust settles (and they are done kicking up their heels) things may settle in a different way.

For myself the dance of nia has been grounding my independence as a woman, person, soul. Will post images soon and am very exited to be Through the Eyes of Strangers with you! (We are all going to help install the show and be there hopefully for the opening).

Thursday, July 5, 2007

re-arrange, recognition

I rearranged my entire studio today; now my 6' paintings are confronting each other, the ten foot poles are on the other wall, and I can still see the traces of all my writings through the gesso...

It's not about the cow being the cow anymore but the female in relation to the male...aspects of my work that have always existed as a reaction to a former trauma now existing quite literally in the same space. Webbing together outside and inside.

Working title is The Stain of Memory: for Europa. Bringing together my interest in the "other" side of Greek myths, confronting Zeus, Apollo, and all the other immortal rapists. Zeus is in the form of the bull that kidnapped and raped Europa; the sacred cow is the sacred cow.

Two aspects of myself facing each other
the submerged and the surface
the repressed and the "easy"
the light and the dark
the masculine and the feminine
the back and the front

Some parts of my long list checked off today. More studio time tomorrow!
Tereza my images to the show out there are being sent out this weekend at the latest...Re-working the word wheels but the images/text pieces are done.

I'll post them here once they're scanned.

xxx

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

spirit of aloha



This image (found on many postcards in Kauai and Oahu), resonated with me while I was in Hawaii. The spirit of Aloha what I understand it to mean is realized in the act of placing a lei onto another person.

The statue of King Kamehameha covered in leis made me think about how I love hanging things, draping things, layering things, like Annette Messeger's work:


What inspired me about the King's statue was the act of confrontation, recognition, acceptance, compassion. This has everything to do with the morse code necklaces, and everything to do with facing my former traumas. I immediately also thought of Cornelia Parker's wrapping of the Kiss by Rodin


What could it mean for me to place morse code wrappings around the statues of Zeus, Perseus, and other mythical "kings"? What could it mean to adorn a known perpetrator, as an act of compassion and acceptance?

The possibilities are endless, and I'm excited that they are extensions of what I like to do anyway, just in a relevant context. Much more to come.

getting back

The lists, the endless planning, the not breathing...all changed on my (5 year belated) honeymoon to Kauai. It was inspiring to be on an actual vacation, the first in a decade with my partner. I am recommitted to my studio practice, realizing I'm a visual artist and no one really knows about what I do or who I am. I've been inspired by the levels of work by my colleagues, and feel ready to make that leap into the great beyond I used to call Faith that the universe will provide, and that money is energy, etc. etc.

So I made a list of things I want to accomplish this month. It's totally realistic. I'll blog about each item as they get done.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

This week in Brooklyn

-(4) steel beams, at 1500 lbs. each, got installed on site Friday
-Hired carpenter crew to fix structure; starting them tomorrow
-Thinking about writing a book about my experience as builder/owner
-Dinner tonight with friends; meeting M's "new boyfriend"
-Packed for belated honeymoon today
-Rode bicycles with T. I don't want to leave Brooklyn; want to move out of Queens right away
-Re-structured finances with both banks; approved as builders to call our own shots
-Re-structured priorities at work
-Started making artwork again this week, regularly. A practice is a practice is a practice
-Felt extremely tired
-Heat wave upon us
-Was on hold for hours with various companies
-Fought for monies owed by cheating plumbing subcontractor
-Did not let myself get walked on by former boss
-Meditated in new space
-Got new space exorcised/cleansed yesterday; received bonus housewarming gift of new sage smudge
-Realized we may have to move back in with parents for 4 months while construction continues and after we close on our apartment sale.
-Basement apartments are not for us
-Rent is not for us either
-Mind/body connection OK this week. Direction of summer and direction of fear different
-Spoke to old friend who sounds stronger
-Dreamt my brother died, dreamt of having lockjaw, bloody teeth and gums, swollen mouth inside an out on my left side, in a tower, flying fish below, Maribel Garcia as a video knowing she's dead but seeing her made me cry.
-Woke up crying.
-Called my dad for happy father's day
-Brushed my hair

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Dancing- moving the fe/male forms

I have recently strated dancing agian. both Nia and Ballroom. Actually I will start teaching it in a few weeks.

The last time I danced was ten years ago and decided to let it go when it was taking time away from 'other work.

Moving my form post carrying a child is a whole other movement. I love the flow of mind and body working as one and teaching others this. It is neglected both for women and men here. Oh and sadly the sexuality/sensuality play into this form of expression as well.

I have to say, I feel most free in a new dance I have just started, nia- it is all women and of course this lends to a freeing atmosphere ( no need to dress up, smell good, paint face- refreshing.) This is what I would like to bring to ballroom- where historically sex plays such a huge role. Lets start with te labels, "leader"&"follower" for example.

Movement can feel so good- and when there is another human in front of one to move with it can feel remarkable- that subtelty between bodies, the respect. How do I teach this without the comments like "he is the sun of the universe, you (woman) spin around him?". Changing the language will be helpful to reframe this dance, I hope.

Keep on with the ten foot poles. Excited to see the images, videos, performances.

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

ten years

Today is my ten year anniversary being with my husband.
We've been together for t e n y e a r s...

Amazing that when I think about it it seems like a long time, but then when I consider the moments, each moment, it seems like no time at all.

I feel very lucky to be with a partner who has been a continuous supportive of me, someone whom I've learned so much from, and shared a third of my life with.

Today makes my heart feel bigger and lighter and happier

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

my ten foot pole




Just got a slot as a massage therapist for the WTA working at the US Open this year in August!! Now maybe I'll get to work on the ladies for my ten foot pole project, or at least have the potential to be in their presence!

Basically, I am visually playing with the phrase "I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole"...investigating how that can look...having images of successful women whose fame and/or fortune has been discredited because of their sex and/or sexuality exist just above many a ten foot pole.

Last week I brought (4) ten foot dowels into my studio, and taped the images of women above them. Serena Williams, Martina, Martha Stewart, Louise Bourgeouis, Agnes Martin, Virignia Woolf, Edith Wharton, among others, Condelezza Rice were all up there to begin with.

The walk alone with these sticks under my arm and extending five feet in front of and behind me was an unexpected delight: walking from the male dominated hardware store (hilariously called Dykes Lumber) through the streets of Long Island City to my studio was the second best performance I ever did that no one saw (the first being my cleaning the studio stairs in Tuscany in '05; luckily a colleague witnessed that). The cat calls, whistles, slowed vehicles, and gawking stares of me carrying these poles made me consider "performing" again with the same sticks.

So, why female athletes? Thinking about my own history with sports, and the double standards women have when it comes to being successful. I have an interest in the female athlete stemming from Greek mythology (Athena, Daphne, and other strong women forced to transform themselves to get away from pesky persistent men) and being a gymnast for 11 years, competing for 6 years.

A suggestion was made to make my studio a mackette (spelling?) for a larger installation, and I may do just that. The idea of an illuminated image, media based, just far enough away from the top of the ten foot pole, reminds me of torches mobs used to carry on witch hunts and lynchings. I'll see where that leads me and post accordingly when I can.

Monday, June 4, 2007

ownership



Who owns a color, an idea, a lineage, a brush mark? I was discussing this with another artist today in her studio...the questions came up about how one can be possessive of visual vocabulary (like you can't use red because I used it in a painting six years ago! wah!) or not allow a picture to be taken by another person because THEY were going to take the picture and then give it to others, etc.

I found the whole thing depressingly childish and was saddened that my friend had to endure what I perceived as a pretty immature onslaught of insecurity, assumption, and projection.

It's hard to write about this and be vague about who what where when and how....but the underlying concept is interesting to me and maybe that's what I want to discuss...why can't one find similarities of work between artists fascinating rather than threatening? I always love when artists I know merge ideas, help one another, etc.

One can't own the word "the" and then lend it out to everyone else who wants to use it.

Steal! steal! steal! I hope the best for the above mentioned Little Miss Bossy

Saturday, June 2, 2007

Date skip

June first enty is in the archives but not readable when the blog opens. FYI

Friday, June 1, 2007

GMC

Gordon Matta-Clark show at the Whitney. Breath of fresh air on a very hot and humid New York summer day.

Beautiful, very poetic approach to a violent act of sawing, cutting, splitting architectural structures. It left me feeling lighter, more quiet. I didn't feel the work was dated at all, and actually think I may try to see it again before it closes on Sunday.



I especially liked his idea to BB gun blow out windows at Cornell and place images of Public Housing Projects from the Bronx displaying the failure of modern architecture design. Curious that by banning the work at the University it became more powerful. Does the more one suppresses an idea the more infiltrating it can become? Does banning work make the work itself more interesting? I think I would have resonated with the piece regardless of whether it was banned or not. It was a great idea. Simple.

Thursday, May 31, 2007

the list



Been absent from blogging for two weeks. Reasons, out of head, below:

-Open Studios: went wonderfully, entirely for myself. It was quite nice to pause and see my work in a simple and clear way. Responses were interesting and I felt really supported. I've not shown my work in over one year, and it's an interesting feeling to be building a building on the one hand, be a massage therapist on the other, and be an artist overall.

-The building project: Full steam ahead! Our baby's got a colon! The sewer connection got installed starting Monday...gigantic hole in the road, all shored up and exposed...but we've got a connection, the first teet on the grid. Exciting stuff.

-Re-creating a relationship with our lender for the construction loan now that we are the "owner/builder"...thinking about writing a book about our experiences from the ground up, literally.

-Trying not to forclose on our other property. Think good thoughts!!

-Property exorcism...to shun away bad spirits

-Dreaming about shorn sheep, wolf in sheep's clothing, the underside of a cat

-Motorcycling around the Catskills and camping on mountainsides with no blankets and lots of hyenas. Super fun

-Trying not to let depression ruin a good run. Just keep on pressing on.

-Summer: always a bonus but somehow I get more sad with the upswing of the season. By the time I shake it off, it's usually Autumn again. Only in Capetown did I truly love the hot weather.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Open Studios this weekend!

43-01 22nd Street, studio 413
LIC, NY 11101

Hope to see you there my dear!!
Angela

Sunday, May 13, 2007

History of Mother's Day

Found an interesting proclamation when I researched the history of this holiday.

"Mother's Day Proclamation


Arise, then, women of this day!Arise, all women who have hearts,Whether our baptism be of water or of tears!
Say firmly:"We will not have great questions decided by irrelevant agencies,Our husbands will not come to us, reeking with carnage, for caresses and applause.Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearnAll that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy and patience.We, the women of one country, will be too tender of those of another countryTo allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs."
From the bosom of the devastated Earth a voice goes up with our own.It says: "Disarm! Disarm! The sword of murder is not the balance of justice."Blood does not wipe out dishonor, nor violence indicate possession.As men have often forsaken the plough and the anvil at the summons of war,Let women now leave all that may be left of home for a great and earnest day of counsel.
Let them meet first, as women, to bewail and commemorate the dead.Let them solemnly take counsel with each other as to the meansWhereby the great human family can live in peace,Each bearing after his own time the sacred impress, not of Caesar,But of God.
In the name of womanhood and humanity, I earnestly askThat a general congress of women without limit of nationalityMay be appointed and held at someplace deemed most convenientAnd at the earliest period consistent with its objects,To promote the alliance of the different nationalities,The amicable settlement of international questions,The great and general interests of peace."

by Julia Ward Howe

thought it interesting in these times

Space, when underpainting is enough

Angela, you once posted the thought; when is under painting enough?

For me space and this question are intimately related. What is space and what is matter?
That and it questions mass itself.


I ask, what is the essence of form? Can I paint that?


Then it asks, what are we? particles, color.

Paint, what a wonderful medium to express this in.


I am thinking of my mother's mother. We talked earlier this morning, her voice clear in my ear although she is a world away. What a gift to have listened to it this Mother's Day.


Sending an image of her sitting in her garden almost ten years ago. One would never know there is a busy road right behind those bushes. She is one of those people that lights up the environment wherever she goes.


Monday, May 7, 2007

space



mental space
space in between pieces of art on a wall
space to act
space to react
space to observe
seeing space

collapsing space
uncomfortable

Thursday, May 3, 2007

today

going to an opening tonight..seeing friends. will report tomorrow.

Tereza, why first aid labels on jars? Interested in hearing more,
A

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Keeping perspective

My mood plumets- I feel like the gray outside. The wind is brutal and cold rain falls. It comes suddenly. I feel like crying with the rain.

I have no reason-logically and tears still fall.

I hardly have the list of errands like you have, Angela, yet I ache in my body. But I am glad you wrote them down. I will do the same hoping that my focus stays clear and I can look at things from the bird's eye perspective, bot getting bogged down with the daily grind.

Sit every morning- keeping still.
Make breakfast sitting with Alenka, talking
(food preperation is getting out of hand, as soon as we finish a meal I am preparing snacks, lunch, snacks, dinner, a late dinner for Ali- besides this she still asks to nurse about 5x a day, mamma mia!)
relax about food- keep the nutrition up but lose the stress
keep and expand the garden
install the rain barrels and finish the compost
keep the house as it should be, a ready place for us and Ali to do our work
rotate the toys- Ali's work
rotate the books, order new Czech ones
work on Ali's Czech citizenship
write the proposal for a sketchbook, drawing, painting classes at the community center
comitt to time in the studio- not only to paint

list of ideas for the studio
continue Women marks, and Umbillical cords
First Aid transfers on jars
Video- roots as hair- washing it in a tub
child witnesses - old idea from photos I took of my kids in NY
myself mirrored (idea already posted)
Relabeling- transfers on jars
Herstory- taking images from Century- work with,on, through them
Slaveship- proposal for a lifesize image of a ship that carried slaves- people stamped next to each other
The many folded human- people cutouts holding hands (painting)
Videos- 360 degrees indoor landscape (saw a beautiful painitng on one of alenka's baloons as it slowly rotated and projected our living space)
Alenka's laughs
Flying dresses- flying my grandmother's and mother's dress in the sky like a kite
River series- (large paintings) from above



am interested in looking at the sky (Earth's aura) and the reverse, back at the Earth from above

Monday, April 30, 2007

sometimes too many to remember

In no particular order, some people I miss:

roxanna mennella
fiona pechukas
maribel garcia
aunt emily
grandma phyllis
uncle herb
claire caine
carroll johnson
will sudo
kevin
agnes martin
sholmeit shaki
elsi and chelsea
dennis cook
aunt marie
mr. bing
grandpa joe
uncle john
uncle richard
melanie pelacios

Playing possum



Why is it that when I have way too much to do, I have the tendancy to choose to withdraw into myself? Here are some of the reasons I didn't call people back, and barely left the house this weekend:

-Apartment open house this coming weekend (cinco de mayo)...

For the apartment to be ready I had to repaint and detail all door trim and window trim, buy and install new door hardware and faceplates, repaint all doors, repaint kitchen, pack and store all item deemed "un-desirable" by the realtor: extra books, chatckas, things in closets, extra luggage.

It's interesting that one has to devole one's living space in order to make it "desirable" and "sellable"...I've been fixing the medicine cabinet in the bathroom to have only the "right" cosmetics; my bamboo floor mats in the bathroom are being replaced by cheery white fluffy mats; a new shower curtain liner (xtra long please) is needed to make the bathroom seem cleaner; all pock marks out of the kitchen walls please and can you paint over the mirror trim in the hallway? get rid of the christmas lights around the windows and why can't you have window treatments that are more "neutral"? Change the bathroom light bulbs, make sure there are fluffy pillows in the extra bedroom don't have any clutter or anything dark because that's not what people want to see when they buy something and don't you know your kitchen isn't neutral enough...the european sized refrigerator is not neutral your stove is not neutral your glass shelves are not cabinets and they aren't neutral there are still dings in the walls you can try to cover up if you want a better price please dust and make the plants look healthy by saturday

-Open studios in two weeks. Need to upload my images on the studios' website, make postcards, make business cards, change my own website, send the morse code necklace images to potential buyer, make more art work stretch some more big canvases cast another form for the double portraits and clean up.



-In-laws also in two weeks. Make sure food in fridge is in-law ready; go food shopping, make sure bedding is clean and ready make sure apartment has extra set of keys buy two metrocards are there any good art shows that week? buy another TONY for them, be in good mood be on best behavior see if my parents are free to meet for dinner one night don't lose mind. At least we can talk about motorsports and art...I love the new Alfa:



-Building project: roof on tomorrow? How much is next draw? When will next draw have to be ready? Does this contractor have all his numbers right? Is our insurance up to date? Have I paid all the bills for overdraft, credit cards, builder's risk insurance, mortgage, maintenence, phone bills cell phone bills cable bill, did i send MA the money for hawaii? Will I have enough money to cover the loan? Is our neighbors' wall secure? When will the foundation guy do the backyard tub?



-Massage: did I cover all appointments for Thursday so I can go to MK's opening? Check to see if paperwork is in order at work; make sure cancellation for Wednesday went through MA; make appointments for AS and JG this week and make sure to schedule time for one massage yourself on Saturday maybe but I'm not sure because I may have to be in studio making work for open studios when my apartment is being shown for the open house.

-MK opening Thursday night in Chelsea. Make sure to inform parents and second parent and friends. Look presentable try to lose weight go for a run or jog or at least do some sit ups and see if any of your clothes still fit you since you gained all this weight; buy different eyebrow pencil color because once again you messed up your eyebrows by trimming them first before tweezing them. Good thing you're going to see people in two days that you haven't seen in six months!! Great job winner.

-Make sure apartment is theft proof for Saturday: all valuables, passports, important docs are in safety deposit box by Thursday before opening. On the way. Have fridge look presentable. Clean all surfaces inside and out.

-See what is causing stomach upset, bloating, fatigue and exhaustion

-Sleep more, eat better, make more artwork, sell apartment, move, move studios, go to european shows, go to london? go to hawaii get out of debt pay off lot loan sell condo pay off huge mortgage loan make art work full time. sleep more

Friday, April 27, 2007

Morning meditation


Yesterday's inspirations

from the perspective of a tulip


up the birch tree


down this year's christmas tree


new growth, magenta pinecones

new growth in motion

Thursday, April 26, 2007

onto today

Oh yeah in addition to working in a whole new way, being more and more inspired by life around me and collaborating with friends almost on a daily basis, I am building a builidng in Brooklyn! Older picture below; on my way to the site now on our trusty motorcycle. More photos later on today! After buying resin for the double portrait idea.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

The Colaborator in my life


Making Sense, Collaborating, A reel/real, Reality







I have been painitng with an ease- I think about it like cleaning and from there I know I can do it. It does not carry the loaded history with it- I'm just scrubbing and polishing.






There has been so much inspiration for me on this site I am not sure where to begin.






There is so much strength here! And so much sorrow! It is real.






Please paint AEIOU- you are right it is wanting attention and is very strong.






Healing Wounds- the sketch I posted far left- from SA was needing a voice and I am so happy to be fullfilling that. Open Wounds (in the middle and detail on the right) is a 4x6foot canvas that will continue onto the walls of the gallery- For the second time I know am meant to be painitng this image. I want to share my statement with it as well:
Going far outside myself to a point half way around the world, I left a part of me far behind, opening a space.
In this cleared space I was able to listen to the other’s stories. The honesty of their words, their struggle, and their overcoming moved me to address mine.

Through meeting the people of South Africa, the landscape, my personal guard had broken-down. This guard was put up the night my father abused my mother, a crime I witnessed and carried from the age of nine. The courage to face this event was directly related to South African people’s confrontation of their past- a process I see rarely done in other states.

I am indebted to the people and land of South Africa for shifting my perspective and in turn changing my life. Open Wounds talks about seeing the trauma of ones life clearly, and processing it. Amazingly, it then moves on.
Thanks Angela , continue the fabulous work!

Collabs this week

To get out of my head a little, I thought I'd post some pictures of a scultpure collab with some friends on Saturday


when is underpainting enough?

I've been thinking about painting this morning...interested in the the dynamics of continuing a painting or changing course in a more appropriate way, more universal and inclusive. My interest in feminism and using my own story as the basis of my work seems to have had a muddy history when it comes to painting and mark making on canvas...all my weirdness has tended to come out when I think about painting too much...even when I paint I have tended to get very weird about it. Hopefully this post can help alleviate the shame of the past, create new space for a more positive present and future.

So, my question about underpainting and changing direction:

The muzzle-megaphone cow paintings have run their course for now. My excitement about 6' painting has subsided...altered its form. But yet I still have five canvases somewhat finished, somewhat executed, somewhat intruiged. I sketched many times what had become a very interesting potential, but now I would like to continue to expand on an idea I developed a couple of years ago on the same canvases. My studio is quite small and so is my budget, so a natural inclination is to cover up what I have been working on to pursue an idea I think has more to do with what I'm working with than the cows.

I ask myself, in the process of continuing to be weird: when can I paint over them with what I really interests me? Isn't it all the same thing? When is the spiral of picking up and letting go applicable to painting? I guess: always..one just has to be cautious of not separating media and intention.



The volvelle, the AEIOU (the agressive girl, the easy girl the indulgent girl, the obsessive girl, and the unattractive girl) calls to me and wants to be painted, sketched out larger than 1" x 2". I can see the series, like the overlapping portraits and the 10' pole. It all makes sense writing it out like this...to myself, to you Tereza. More this week

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

VA University shooting, from AP

Gunman kills 32 in Virginia Tech rampage

By SUE LINDSEY Associated Press Writer
© 2007 The Associated Press

BLACKSBURG, Va. — A gunman massacred 32 people at Virginia Tech in the deadliest shooting rampage in modern U.S. history Monday, cutting down his victims in two attacks two hours apart before the university could grasp what was happening and warn students. The bloodbath ended with the gunman committing suicide, bringing the death toll to 33 and stamping the campus in the picturesque Blue Ridge Mountains with unspeakable tragedy, perhaps forever.

Investigators gave no motive for the attack. The gunman's name was not immediately released, and it was not known whether he was a student.

"Today the university was struck with a tragedy that we consider of monumental proportions," Virginia Tech President Charles Steger said. "The university is shocked and indeed horrified."


But he was also faced with difficult questions about the university's handling of the emergency and whether it did enough to warn students and protect them after the first burst of gunfire. Some students bitterly complained they got no warning from the university until an e-mail that arrived more than two hours after the first shots rang out.

Wielding two handguns and carrying multiple clips of ammunition, the killer opened fire about 7:15 a.m. on the fourth floor of West Ambler Johnston, a high-rise coed dormitory, then stormed Norris Hall, a classroom building a half-mile away on the other side of the 2,600-acre campus. Some of the doors at Norris Hall were found chained from the inside, apparently by the gunman.

Two people died in a dorm room, and 31 others were killed in Norris Hall, including the gunman, who put a bullet in his head. At least 15 people were hurt, some seriously. Students jumped from windows in panic.

Alec Calhoun, a 20-year-old junior, said he was in a 9:05 a.m. mechanics class when he and classmates heard a thunderous sound from the classroom next door — "what sounded like an enormous hammer."

Screams followed an instant later, and the banging continued. When students realized the sounds were gunshots, Calhoun said, he started flipping over desks for hiding places. Others dashed to the windows of the second-floor classroom, kicking out the screens and jumping from the ledge of Room 204, he said.

"I must've been the eighth or ninth person who jumped, and I think I was the last," said Calhoun, of Waynesboro, Va. He landed in a bush and ran.

Calhoun said that the two students behind him were shot, but that he believed they survived. Just before he climbed out the window, Calhoun said, he turned to look at the professor, who had stayed behind, perhaps to block the door.

The instructor was killed, he said.

At an evening news conference, Police Chief Wendell Flinchum refused to dismiss the possibility that a co-conspirator or second shooter was involved. He said police had interviewed a male who was a "person of interest" in the dorm shooting who knew one of the victims, but he declined to give details.

"I'm not saying there's a gunman on the loose," Flinchum said. Ballistics tests will help explain what happened, he said.

Sheree Mixell, a spokeswoman for the federal Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives, said the evidence was being moved to the agency's national lab in Annandale. At least one firearm was turned over, she said.

Mixell would not comment on what types of weapons were used or whether the gunman was a student.

Young people and faculty members carried out some of the wounded themselves, without waiting for ambulances to arrive. Many found themselves trapped behind chained and padlocked doors. SWAT team members with helmets, flak jackets and assault rifles swarmed over the campus. A student used his cell-phone camera to record the sound of bullets echoing through a stone building.

Trey Perkins, who was sitting in a German class in Norris Hall, told The Washington Post that the gunman barged into the room at about 9:50 a.m. and opened fire for about a minute and a half, squeezing off about 30 shots.

The gunman first shot the professor in the head and then fired on the students, Perkins said. The gunman was about 19 years old and had a "very serious but very calm look on his face," he said.

"Everyone hit the floor at that moment," said Perkins, 20, of Yorktown, Va., a sophomore studying mechanical engineering. "And the shots seemed like it lasted forever."

Erin Sheehan, who was also in the German class, told the student newspaper, the Collegiate Times, that she was one of only four of about two dozen people in the class to walk out of the room. The rest were dead or wounded, she said.

She said the gunman "was just a normal-looking kid, Asian, but he had on a Boy Scout-type outfit. He wore a tan button-up vest, and this black vest, maybe it was for ammo or something."

Students said that there were no public-address announcements after the first shots. Many said they learned of the first shooting in an e-mail that arrived shortly before the gunman struck again.

"I think the university has blood on their hands because of their lack of action after the first incident," said Billy Bason, 18, who lives on the seventh floor of the dorm.

Steger defended the university's conduct, saying authorities believed that the shooting at the dorm was a domestic dispute and mistakenly thought the gunman had fled the campus.

"We had no reason to suspect any other incident was going to occur," he said.

Steger emphasized that the university closed off the dorm after the first attack and decided to rely on e-mail and other electronic means to spread the word, but said that with 11,000 people driving onto campus first thing in the morning, it was difficult to get the word out.

He said that before the e-mail went out, the university began telephoning resident advisers in the dorms and sent people to knock on doors. Students were warned to stay inside and away from the windows.

"We can only make decisions based on the information you had at the time. You don't have hours to reflect on it," Steger said.

Some students and Laura Wedin, a student programs manager at Virginia Tech, said their first notification came in an e-mail at 9:26 a.m., more than two hours after the first shooting.

The e-mail had few details. It read: "A shooting incident occurred at West Amber Johnston earlier this morning. Police are on the scene and are investigating." The message warned students to be cautious and contact police about anything suspicious.

Edmund Henneke, associate dean of engineering, said that he was in the classroom building and that he and colleagues had just read the e-mail advisory and were discussing it when he heard gunfire. He said that moments later SWAT team members rushed them downstairs, but that the doors were chained and padlocked from the inside. They left the building through an unlocked construction area.

Until Monday, the deadliest shooting in modern U.S. history was in Killeen, Texas, in 1991, when George Hennard plowed his pickup truck into a Luby's Cafeteria and shot 23 people to death, then himself.

The massacre Monday took place almost eight years to the day after the Columbine High bloodbath near Littleton, Colo. On April 20, 1999, two teenagers killed 12 fellow students and a teacher before taking their own lives.

Previously, the deadliest campus shooting in U.S. history was a rampage in 1966 at the University of Texas at Austin, where Charles Whitman climbed the clock tower and opened fire. He killed 16 people before police shot him to death.

Founded in 1872, Virginia Tech is about 160 miles west of Richmond. With more than 25,000 full-time students, it has the state's largest full-time student population. It is best known for its engineering school and its powerhouse Hokies football team.

The campus is centered on the Drill Field, a grassy field where military cadets practice. The dorm and the classroom building are on opposites sides of the Drill Field.

President Bush offered his prayers to the victims and the people of Virginia, saying the tragedy would be felt in every community in the country.

After the shootings, all campus entrances were closed, and classes were canceled through Tuesday. The university set up a spot for families to reunite with their children. It also made counselors available and planned an assembly Tuesday.

Police said there had been bomb threats on campus over the past two weeks but said they had not determined a link to the shootings.

It was second time in less than a year that the campus was closed because of a shooting.

In August, the opening day of classes was canceled when an escaped jail inmate allegedly killed a hospital guard off campus and fled to the Tech area. A sheriff's deputy was killed just off campus. The accused gunman, William Morva, faces capital murder charges.

Among Monday's dead was Ryan Clark, a student from Martinez, Ga., with several majors who carried a 4.0 grade-point average, said Vernon Collins, coroner in Columbia County, Ga.

At a hastily arranged service Monday night at Blacksburg Presbyterian Church, the Rev. Susan Verbrugge gazed out at about 150 bowed heads.

"Death has come trundling into our life, a sudden and savage entity laying waste to our hearts and making desolate our minds," Verbrugge said during a prayer. "We need now the consolation only you can give."

After the service, Clark's friend Gregory Walton, a 25-year-old who graduated last year, said he feared his nightmare had just begun.

"I knew when the number was so large that I would know at least one person on that list," said Walton, a banquet manager. "I don't want to look at that list. I don't want to.

"It's just, it's going to be horrible, and it's going to get worse before it gets better."

studio thoughts

studio shots




Sunday, April 15, 2007

Overlapping memory/two sides of the coin



I am increasingly interested in the overlap of perpetrator and victim...how a traumatic event (initiated by one onto another) links the lives of both parties forever.

Nelson Mandela and Verwoerd, the grand architect of Apartheid, Joel and Lisa Steinberg, Nixalise and Nixmary Brown, Jennifer Levin and Robert Chambers, John Lennon and his murderer, etc.

What happens when the gazes of both parties overlap at the viewer? Who is seen? Who is being judged? What possibility is there of a new understanding of the event? I ask this because of my own fading memories of being attacked and the indelible marks that remain with my psyche. Working in a communicative way helps erase the shameful associations, but the actual faces of my assailants has faded over time.

What do those 12-year old boys look like now? Do they even remember the event?
What about my 18-year old? Does he remember what he did to me?

The preservation of an image is interesting as it relates to memory. Reading other blogs (that I don't know how to link to yet) inspired me to ask this question. What is it that remains of the image? Is it really the resonance of the molecules of the artist? How can that translate to working with trauma? Are the molecules of the perpetrator forever linked with those of the victim?

Both sides of the equation are interesting to me now...now that I've started to take responsibility for my own past and the choices I've made because of it. More images to come from these ideas soon...

Saturday, April 14, 2007

more reality

Also from Tania (Katan, not Kattan)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Z1qB9i1PfE

Reality check

from Tania Kattan, with her permission:

http://www.collectivegesture.org/look/?page_id=20

Sunday, April 8, 2007

Inspiration

Tereza it's so interesting how your double self portrait immediately reminded me of Anitra's double portrait of her mother...and then to see that piece on her website way so great!

It seems the ebb and flow has come your way too. Last week was full up the brim with e v e r y t h i n g; but this week the tide of moderation has seem to come in.

I'm painting my apartment to get it ready for the "market", not seeing any separation between what "work" is. Talking to other workshoppers really really helps. I'm still really inspired by Lorna Simpson's work; it is so great how one can see one's work in a deeper form in someone else's work!

What's the workshopper motto: steal, steal, steal...I love it!

coexisting in black


That white- oogh. let me try that again!

art lifting

coexisting

My inspiration has been plentiful these past weeks. Your photos, checking friend's sites-http://www.michellemagot.com/, http://www.anitrahaendel.net/,http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RXnl6bbyWjc, and our catalogs from SA. Seeing others working eases me into doing the same. The pressure of ART lifts. Am interested in Global Feminism- show at the Brooklynn Museum- ordering the catalogue.

Saturday, April 7, 2007

At the Whitney

Went to the Whitney to see the Lorna Simpson show...it blew me away. I'm so inspired! Very clear, simple messages...very profound and beautiful and well done. Going back this week for sure.

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

co-exist







co-existing with my father...collaborating on the volvelles