40

Today I turned 40.

It rained all night and into today; I woke up to the sound of raindrops on the roof.

My parents arrived yesterday, so Ale stayed in his bed with Nonna this morning. We got a reprieve, and actually slept until 7:30 AM. It's their 42nd wedding anniversary as well, so a good time to celebrate together.

Our creek was flowing, instead of being bone dry (its condition for the last 2 months).

The plants and trees looked full, not droopy.

I went to the gym and then helped clean up the garden with my mom. It's still the best way to curb the mounting depression that's making its way out of the periphery and into my center. 

T and my dad moved a huge log to span across the creek so we have a bridge to the other side.

I feel like I'm coming out of my melancholia, even though nothing has really changed.

Everything is fine, it's always been fine. I have nothing to complain about. 

R&C sent out their newsletter - did you receive it?

I found it inspiring - it helped me remember my part of the liver.

...I know I have no right to be sad. Even when I describe what I'm doing to others, I feel ridiculous feeling anything but gratitude. With every terrible thing that is happening in the world, with all the brutality, racism, killing and climate change, I feel incredibly self-centered even writing this entry to you, Tereza. 

But that weight of parenthood is still here. The anxiety of responsibility, the dread of the Domestic, creeps in on me on an almost daily basis. 

These are the questions I want to ask them for my skype crit, but in these questions are the very answers I am looking for:

What am I missing?

What am I not seeing?

What connections am I not making?

What's the "thing" I need to see, need to say?

What are the common threads that can weave through the more figurative work and into this more lyrical work?

I don't know how to convey gesture without being completely literal about it.

What about atmosphere? What I see has so little to do with calm...

How do I work with aspects of the more figurative work with this newer approach?

Without being totally fragmented?

Is this work an extension of the work from SAP 3, or a tangent? I still don't recognize a lot of it, as the more intuitive work has always been kept on the side, in the margins, on the periphery...

What pieces still need to be made?