We're just along for the ride

Roller Coaster

Day 0- August 18th

Planned to celebrate Ali's birthday.
Wake up, after standing my ovaries start hurting.
Over the toilet for the next couple of minutes, feels like labor but that was four years ago.
I feel like I am rising out of my body and I grab my knees to keep grounded.
Cold sweat
I go to the emergency room, take ibuprofen before leaving the house.

Pelvic exam.
Ultra sound.
Inconclusive.
Doctor comes in tells me:
I'm pregnant.
There is a cyst on my right ovary.
We cannot rule out a tubal pregnancy.
I want to sleep.
I know we are not having the birthday party- I call the guests.
I cry in the hospital bed.
I have a dull pain in ovaries for the day.

Day 1
Party is rescheduled.
I take Tylenol, pain is better.
What does this mean?
Another being in our lives-
Can my body handle pregnancy? labor?
Get prenatal vitamins.
Not sure if I want this.
Not sure what I want.
I am reminded of O, surrendering.

I get help with the party.
We celebrate at the lake.
It is lovely.
I am still lost in my head, swimming helps.

Day 2
Every 48 hours I am to get blood work done.
See where the hormone levels are.
Get excited to hold baby forms,
excited for a sibling for Ali
All will be well

Day 3
Slight pain in the ovary
(But it might be imagined)
Saw slight pink after urinating
Pants are tighter,
Smells stronger.
What am I suppose to eat again?
What foods do I avoid?
I haven't even thought about the labor of breastfeeding!
The nurse calls:
How am I doing? Who am I? (I am listed under my maiden name)
What is the new address?
(I used the hospital minimally when I was pregnant with A.)
Where is the blood work?
Do I know the blood type?
The pink staining in the morning could be my body rejecting the baby. It could also be the tubal pregnancy, or miscarriage- or it could be normal but that she did not say.
Panic, are the ovaries hurting more?
OK, will call back when she tracks the blood work.

Pick blueberries but my mind is in a fog.
Check for more spotting in the bathroom.
Nurse calls back:
She has results from the blood draw,
Hormone levels are low, in the 200's
they expect them to double every 48 hours,
either very early in the pregnancy,
or a list of other (negative) causes.
I try to forget, I don't want the thoughts in my head.

It will turn out the way it is meant- neither good nor bad- birth or death-
Gray- in-between.